69- A Rebuke and an Exhortation

June 18, 1982

Last night there came a rebuke and an exhortation from the Lord, through my dear Dan. God mightily moved in me—I know it–because I KNEW I was to listen and provide NO defense. This was an act of God Himself.

Yet, inside me came self-justifying thoughts: “but you obviously don’t understand”….“do you want to know how many people I’ve led to the Lord?”….“why I lived alone for 3 years before we got married and I have a wonderfully close relationship with Jesus!”

Without relating the discussion, the point was: Dan wanted me to be aware that I say very often “I can’t”– that I give up and I am immobilized. Well taken. He’s right.

The exhortation that came from Dan was that instead of freezing up, that need to pray continually and without ceasing, realizing my flesh will never change and that I’ll ALWAYS have to be going to God for His power. The only thing that will change will be that it will be easier to go to Him.

I have no defense. As I listened, and my inner voice stopped, I did not feel defensive. I know it was God. I have only praises and thanksgiving. Thank You, Lord Jesus. Amen

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I looked back in my journals after I wrote the above, because I remembered reading an “I can’t” entry!!

March 2, 1982

hysteria…I CAN’T DO IT…I CAN’T DO THE CHRISTIAN LIFE…I HATE IT!!…but somehow, after beating my fists on the bed, release came. Then I heard Stevie in his room.  He quieted immediately when I picked him up. He rested his head on my shoulder and as I walked him he was quiet and still, easily mollified, a joy to be near.

Object lesson: to lose my will in Thine, and by that loss be free.

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I was curious about those submissive words that I wrote thirty-five years ago, so I googled them, and I found the hymn,

The Will of God by Frederick W. Faber (1814-1863)

I selected four stanzas:

I worship thee, sweet will of God! And all thy ways adore; to every day I live I seem, to love thee more and more.

And he hath breath’d into my soul, a special love of thee; a will to lose my will in his, and by that loss be free.

When obstacles and trials seem, like prison walls to be, I do the little I can do, and leave the rest to thee.

He always wins who sides with God, to him no chance is lost; God’s will is sweetest to him, when it triumphs at his cost.

In those years my mentors were mostly the suffering saints of a bygone era who bowed their heads in every trial in sweet submission to the Lord. My Christian life was challenging because I wasn’t understanding Christ living in me and and I was wanting HIS LIFE to pour out through me. I was so tired of my stinking flesh!!