109- Not A Speck –
July 4, 1983
I am still not fully committed to Christ’s way. I still fear for my life, my children’s lives. [I think I meant that I was still apprehensive about selling all and about the possibility that God would ask us to leave everything familiar to go to another country forever….and maybe die there.]
But I need to continuously affirm that –
-“I am going with Christ to the END” –my flesh screams: “not to the END!”
-“I will go the way of the cross” –my flesh screams: “argh! not THAT way!”
-“I will deny MYSELF and follow after Jesus My Lord” –my flesh screams: “oh no! He’s a fanatic!”
I turn away from the wimpy flesh to Jesus:
Yes, my Lord wants the souls of all the people. So that is what I want. He wants my desires and temperament put down, and His love and life lifted up.
My faith is so weak, My Jesus.
I see why you give us time alone with saints’ books and missionaries’ stories—so that we can rub elbows with other sold-out ones and those who are undiluted by the world’s values and lure.
I had been reading Anointed for Burial, an amazing book about the move of the Spirit in Cambodia. The heart’s cry is, “Send me, Lord!”–but part of me was arguing for being sensible!