339 – Here’s My Heart, Lord

February 2, 1989 Bridgemont, SF

God led me to Proverbs 2 and I began to cry out for wisdom, insight, and understanding.

My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding—
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.
⁶ For the Lord gives wisdom;
    from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
⁷ He holds success in store for the upright,
    he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
⁸ for he guards the course of the just
    and protects the way of his faithful ones.

I laid out before the Lord all the pondering and the full awareness of my deceitful heart and my ability in the flesh to go on with this for 3 ½ years—but that MY TRUE DESIRES were to become pregnant. I remember well the Spirit’s prayer through me years ago: that He would use us to speak out against abortion in whatever way He chose. I felt it was very bold, very Spirit; but the Spirit was moving and it was easy to step into it—and I meant it with all my heart.

I am putting my trust in God for giving me wisdom and insight, reducing the stress in my life by speaking to me a yea or nay about this, for speaking my heart to Dan as soon as possible.

It was well and good to desire a pregnancy, even at my age, 43. The challenge was that Dan had had a vasectomy after our fourth son was born. I knew God could over-ride the surgeon’s handiwork. No doubts whatsoever. But I didn’t want my will to be done. If it truly was a God-thing, I wanted Dan to be on board and so determined to talk to him about it, again. Over the years I have learned, God doesn’t mock our wildest, craziest dreams. He is right there with us as we walk it out.