345 – My Faith Gets Shaken

March 16, 1989

One night, ten years ago, when we were attending Bible school in Germany and I was anxious about the well being of my baby in the womb, and I was crying out to God, He gave me this verse. It is a precious promise that the children I bear are blessed by God.

Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem!
Praise your God, O Zion!
For He has strengthened the bars of your gates;
He has blessed your sons within you.
He makes peace in your borders;
He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. Psalm 147:12-14

March 17, 1989

4am awakened with a distressing physical symptom.

Confused. If I cannot believe that all of the way we’ve come in this baby issue was Your leading –how can I believe You about Your leading to homeschool, Your leading that we are going to Japan….

Will I now have to question everything else that we are doing by faith?

Back to bed.

Felt waves of comfort and grace!

Dan was compassionate. He quoted:

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:18-19

Dan came in later and said, “In some way that only God can do, this whole experience you are having is going to confirm our calling.”

I talked to God.

Dan said, rest and pray in the Spirit all day, not in words that could express doubt and fear.

So I began my day expecting Jesus to be very near to me and very real. Bless You, Savior.

The thought also came to me: to have another baby is not a selfish desire of mine—that is a lie. To have been home already for ten years and if I had another baby, it would add five more years to the tail end of that. I know myself well enough that I know I would not choose that. Yet, if a baby is God’s will for us, I would gladly do this for Him, for His will, for His plan.

This lifted me also, encouraged me. It is the will of the Lord I am seeking. Yes, my heart is pure about this.

344 – Conflict in the Home Soon Resolved

344 – Conflict in the Home

Soon Resolved

March 4, 1989 Sunday at church

Joyce came up to me: “Are you pregnant? I woke up thinking about you.” She prayed for me.

March 14, 1989 Tim, Steve, and Danny have had Chickenpox for a week. Mark was the first to come down with it and is now well.

Two days late. I opened up my Bible randomly, seeking the Lord.

Isaiah 66:7 Before she goes into labor, she gives birth, before the pains come upon her, she delivers a son.

What are the odds that I would see a verse about birthing?

Dan laughed when I shared all of this: “This is the third month in a row you have thought you were pregnant. I’d rather laugh than take it seriously—of course you may have the last laugh.”

Sting!

This comforted me:

Isaiah 44: 25-26 who overthrows the learning of the wise and turns it into nonsense…who carries out the words of his servants and fulfills the predictions of His messengers.

I had great sorrow from my conversation with Dan. In order to focus on my glorious God, I put my Bible on the counter and kept going back to it, highlighting truth about God, keeping my focus on HIM.

I had a wonderful prayer time with Akiko and Reiko.

Reconciliation with Dan this evening and the next morning he said is excited about the possibility of a pregnancy.

Dan and I are of one mind, waiting on the Lord.

March 15

I had a good prayer time this afternoon. I laid the pregnancy possibility out again before the Lord along with all off the thoughts in my deceitful heart as well as my heart’s desires.

It occurred to me –what if people thought I had fooled around and gotten pregnant, since I have such a checkered past. A verse I memorized years ago jumped out at me:

Proverbs 16:7 When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies be at peace with him.

I believe Your word is alive, and that you just spoke to me!

Fear is gone!

343 – Baby Yearnings

February 16, 1989

New friend, Mary, down the hall from us. Mary’s mother-in-law is visiting: she said that in her family, four boys were born then her.

Of course I thought of our four sons and then a girl being added!

February 17

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father to who be glory forever and ever. Amen. Galatians 1:3-5

Realization and praise for what Christ has done. Determination in the Spirit to go forth in praises—and not be overcome by sickness or sin or insecurities.

For two hours I cared for Mary’s baby twin boys, Ambrose and Austin, while she counseled her brother on the phone. Prayed in support of her. Our boys were in and out, up and down the deserted hall, back and forth from her place to ours.

February 18

This morning Dan and I prayed. And later I realized how disappointed I am that I am not pregnant. I called out for God’s comfort. Disappointed that my womb is empty, but ALSO that I misinterpreted God again. But God began to minister to me.

I NOW KNOW what countless women experience who greatly desire children of their own, looking every month for signs of pregnancy. Praise the Lord.

Instantly I understood too that this is preparation for CARING FOR other’s babies.

Jan (back in Reno) took in three homeless children. Dan and I can take care of babies of women who are not aborting or provide temporary care. It would be a blessing for our whole family, Lord. You turned my mourning into JOY and DANCING! Also I realized: I never experienced this yearning before. Our sons came so fast that I never had time to yearn!

Unfortunately I did not hold fast to this position of this being about caring for other people’s babies, which would have been CORRECT!! Because that is what we eventually did. INSTEAD, for two more years I wondered every month if I was pregnant. My poor husband!