359 – New Friend

359 New Friend

August 4, 1989 San Francisco

I was in the Word but it did not minister to me. Confusion and doom overtook me! It was a PMS day, but I went ahead and met with a new friend, Kathy Reed. We went to Foster City in her car to a park. [Kathy and I would become great friends, sharing our homeschool ideas and our desires to have another baby. We realized we both desperately hoped someone would leave a baby on our doorsteps that would need us and fulfill our desire for more children!]

August 5 San Francisco

Yesterday was horrid. I woke up angry and awful, and I felt the Lord revealed to me that all of the fruit we have been consuming in the Fit for Life eating plan—had turned to sugar that built up in me the last two weeks and did me in!! We ran errands early and I finally ate breakfast about 9am. Eggs, cheese, wheat toast and in a few minutes I was FINE! It became a low stress weekend. So I am back to eggs and toast for breakfast. So although confusion reigned for a while yesterday, it did not win. Kathy and I had a wonderful connection.

Proverbs 4:23 above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. NIV note: If we store up good things (God’s words, wisdom, faith, hope) in our hearts, our words and actions will be good—because out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matt 12:34.

357 Undivided Heart to Honor You

357 – Undivided Heart

to Honor You

August 3, 1989 San Francisco

Psalm 86

verse 1 hear me

v 2 save me

v 3 be merciful

v 4 bring joy to me

Psalm 4:7 You have filled my heart with greater joy –

this means You put joy in me

v 11 teach me Your way

v 11 GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART that I may fear your name.

reference: Ezekiel 11:19 I will give them an UNDIVIDED HEART and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

20 Then they will follow My decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people and I will be their God.

18 remove vile images and detestable gods

reference: 1 Chronicles 12:33 the men of Zebulun experienced soldiers prepared for battle with every type of weapon, to help David—with UNDIVIDED LOYALTY.

reference: 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in UNDIVIDED DEVOTION to the Lord.

Lord, remove pregnancy or every attitude about it that makes it a god in competition for my affections for You.

Lord, don’t take away my husband and children so I can be undivided in devotion to You, but bring us all into a place of unity of purpose—to please You in all things, and fulfill all of Your call for us.

356 – Into My Mind Popped…

356 Into My Mind Popped…

August 2, 1989 San Francisco

I woke up feeling unusual. Am I pregnant? Doubt pushed the thoughts away. I asked God to speak to me today about it—silently, in my heart. A very short time later, on my walk around Bridgemont campus, worshiping, fellowshipping with God, I asked God again to speak to me on this subject. Into my mind popped 1 Thessalonians 2:7 and 1 Thessalonians 5:1!

This is what they say:

1 Thessalonians 2:7 but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.

1 Thessalonians 5:1-3 Now brothers about times and dates we do not need to write you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.

August 3

Depressed—not pregnant. Why do I want to be?

pure: my heart has been changed by God so that it is now the desire of my heart

truth: yet, hope deferred makes the heart grow sick

flesh: I would be able to justify sleeping more

pride: it would show me and others God’s favor on us

practical: I feel it would be good for the boys to have to become more helpful, independent in the kitchen, and good for Daniel not to be the baby.

I am always surprising myself that I am so real with God and myself.

346 – Identifying with Much-Afraid*

346 – Identifying with

Much-Afraid*

March 19, 1989 Sunday morning

I was led to read Psalm 128:3-4 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the LORD.

Later reading Babar, a children’s book, to the kids: triplets were born! that causes my heart to skip.

March 20

Calling out to the Lord, as Much Afraid*, putting my hope in HIM.

March 21

Middle of the night, very nauseous.

Lay real still.

Cautious this a.m.

Rich food last night.

As I come to my Lord this morning I am NOT going to try to do this myself and be tough!

HELP SHEPHERD!

Let us get a pregnancy test. Let the truth, yea or nay, be known before we travel to Oxnard. I’m not going to try doing this on my own without YOU. I’m falling upon my precious Savior, BELIEVING You will SAVE ME and be a blessed Redeemer today for us all. I lay down my self will and accept your will, in abandonment, fully trusting You.

March 22 Up early to pray and humble myself before the Lord.

Humble yourselves–feeling very insignificant–in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.–He will lift you up and make your lives significant. James 4:10 Amplified

The squeeze of my family’s questionings and probing always concerns me before I go to visit them–and I see acutely the need I have for strength to stand in faith because I am so weak.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

NIV notes: Habakkuk has learned the lesson of faith—to trust God’s providence regardless of circumstances. He declares that even if God should send suffering and loss, he would still rejoice in His Savior God—one of the strongest affirmations of faith in all scripture.

v. 19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.

NIV notes: He gives me sure-footed confidence.

You always meet me, Jesus, You always come to me in a way I can understand.

*Much-Afraid is the protagonist in Hannah Hurnard’s bestselling book Hinds’ Feet on High Places, an allegory published in 1955. Much-Afraid finds comfort and understanding and a new kind of accepting love from the Shepherd. She desires only to please Him and always turns to Him for advice. Her greatest joy is in serving Him. I identified with her and her relationship with Jesus on her spiritual journey.

345 – My Faith Gets Shaken

March 16, 1989

One night, ten years ago, when we were attending Bible school in Germany and I was anxious about the well being of my baby in the womb, and I was crying out to God, He gave me this verse. It is a precious promise that the children I bear are blessed by God.

Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem!
Praise your God, O Zion!
For He has strengthened the bars of your gates;
He has blessed your sons within you.
He makes peace in your borders;
He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. Psalm 147:12-14

March 17, 1989

4am awakened with a distressing physical symptom.

Confused. If I cannot believe that all of the way we’ve come in this baby issue was Your leading –how can I believe You about Your leading to homeschool, Your leading that we are going to Japan….

Will I now have to question everything else that we are doing by faith?

Back to bed.

Felt waves of comfort and grace!

Dan was compassionate. He quoted:

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:18-19

Dan came in later and said, “In some way that only God can do, this whole experience you are having is going to confirm our calling.”

I talked to God.

Dan said, rest and pray in the Spirit all day, not in words that could express doubt and fear.

So I began my day expecting Jesus to be very near to me and very real. Bless You, Savior.

The thought also came to me: to have another baby is not a selfish desire of mine—that is a lie. To have been home already for ten years and if I had another baby, it would add five more years to the tail end of that. I know myself well enough that I know I would not choose that. Yet, if a baby is God’s will for us, I would gladly do this for Him, for His will, for His plan.

This lifted me also, encouraged me. It is the will of the Lord I am seeking. Yes, my heart is pure about this.

344 – Conflict in the Home Soon Resolved

344 – Conflict in the Home

Soon Resolved

March 4, 1989 Sunday at church

Joyce came up to me: “Are you pregnant? I woke up thinking about you.” She prayed for me.

March 14, 1989 Tim, Steve, and Danny have had Chickenpox for a week. Mark was the first to come down with it and is now well.

Two days late. I opened up my Bible randomly, seeking the Lord.

Isaiah 66:7 Before she goes into labor, she gives birth, before the pains come upon her, she delivers a son.

What are the odds that I would see a verse about birthing?

Dan laughed when I shared all of this: “This is the third month in a row you have thought you were pregnant. I’d rather laugh than take it seriously—of course you may have the last laugh.”

Sting!

This comforted me:

Isaiah 44: 25-26 who overthrows the learning of the wise and turns it into nonsense…who carries out the words of his servants and fulfills the predictions of His messengers.

I had great sorrow from my conversation with Dan. In order to focus on my glorious God, I put my Bible on the counter and kept going back to it, highlighting truth about God, keeping my focus on HIM.

I had a wonderful prayer time with Akiko and Reiko.

Reconciliation with Dan this evening and the next morning he said is excited about the possibility of a pregnancy.

Dan and I are of one mind, waiting on the Lord.

March 15

I had a good prayer time this afternoon. I laid the pregnancy possibility out again before the Lord along with all off the thoughts in my deceitful heart as well as my heart’s desires.

It occurred to me –what if people thought I had fooled around and gotten pregnant, since I have such a checkered past. A verse I memorized years ago jumped out at me:

Proverbs 16:7 When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies be at peace with him.

I believe Your word is alive, and that you just spoke to me!

Fear is gone!

343 – Baby Yearnings

February 16, 1989

New friend, Mary, down the hall from us. Mary’s mother-in-law is visiting: she said that in her family, four boys were born then her.

Of course I thought of our four sons and then a girl being added!

February 17

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father to who be glory forever and ever. Amen. Galatians 1:3-5

Realization and praise for what Christ has done. Determination in the Spirit to go forth in praises—and not be overcome by sickness or sin or insecurities.

For two hours I cared for Mary’s baby twin boys, Ambrose and Austin, while she counseled her brother on the phone. Prayed in support of her. Our boys were in and out, up and down the deserted hall, back and forth from her place to ours.

February 18

This morning Dan and I prayed. And later I realized how disappointed I am that I am not pregnant. I called out for God’s comfort. Disappointed that my womb is empty, but ALSO that I misinterpreted God again. But God began to minister to me.

I NOW KNOW what countless women experience who greatly desire children of their own, looking every month for signs of pregnancy. Praise the Lord.

Instantly I understood too that this is preparation for CARING FOR other’s babies.

Jan (back in Reno) took in three homeless children. Dan and I can take care of babies of women who are not aborting or provide temporary care. It would be a blessing for our whole family, Lord. You turned my mourning into JOY and DANCING! Also I realized: I never experienced this yearning before. Our sons came so fast that I never had time to yearn!

Unfortunately I did not hold fast to this position of this being about caring for other people’s babies, which would have been CORRECT!! Because that is what we eventually did. INSTEAD, for two more years I wondered every month if I was pregnant. My poor husband!

342 – God’s Word for Me

February 15 Wednesday

I went to church, intent on going up for prayer for spotting and expecting a word of prophecy through Joyce. Deborah and I sought her out after church. Before I started sharing, she asked if I was pregnant. I didn’t answer her because I did not know the answer. I asked for her to pray and ask the Lord for a word for me.

Deborah tried to keep up with Joyce’s words and wrote this down:

Depth in you, Georgann, magnitude, that has gone on that human words cannot describe. Only the Spirit can interpret the things I have for you.

This night you kneel before me in purity.

I receive you as one who is pure, holy, set apart.

He has seen my limitations, shortcomings and what I have wrestled with, and the times I fell down before Him and chose Him.

It will be easy to hear the things that cause your heart to skip, but these things come from the depth of what has gone on between us in groanings.

Bring forth in quietness and bring forth in subtlety.

Blessed be the Lord who has looked upon me.

What is going on in your body is as a passing vapor.

Don’t be distracted from Me by it. From this day forward whatever you see in your body you are to know you are held tightly in my arms. I have plans for you—a future and a hope. Bring your body to me as a living sacrifice. Let me wash you. Follow my instructions.

He wants me to ask—What should I do?

I remember that Joyce was extremely tired to the point of exhaustion this night, and yet she said she sensed the Spirit of the Lord. She said that this was the Lord—she was too tired to have said it in her own strength. She asked: did it even make sense?

This word was long and very personal to me. The Lord was validating our relationship, confirming that He saw every struggle and every surrender of mine. He recognized a depth in me, He heard my groanings–my questions and my “mournful sounds of grief.” He saw me as a pure vessel. He did not want me to be distracted from Him by the baby vision. I believe He wanted to keep me in the place of mystery so I could learn lessons in trusting Him and not leaning on my own understanding. Follow My instructions meant he was holding me tightly and that He had plans for me, and that He would lead me through this step by step.

There was not the specific answer to my inner question: am I pregnant or will I become pregnant? But God’s ways are high above our ways.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is My word that goes out from My mouth: It will not return to Me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:9-11 NIV

[I added capital letters for references to God to the NIV translation]

338 – New Digs

338 –New Digs

January 28, 1989 Bridgemont, SF

The blessings of this new apartment:

*We have access to a phone (downstairs).

*It is Japanese size (we are identifying with Japanese living).

*The boys are in their sleeping bags taking turns on the floor and the two couches. They love it! It feels like more adventure!

*$450 rent rather than $750 (this also includes all utilities).

*We have a Japanese neighbor.

*There is a missionary to Japan down the hall!

*The Red Room on the main floor of this wing is available for our use for entertaining and for the boys to play in!

*We have access to the indoor swimming pool.

*We will be able to have fellowship with our neighbors; the previous apartment had its own entrance and was isolated, and very dark.

*This deal may include the room and bathroom across the hall, which would answer our prayer for guest accommodations.

We were invited to be on staff at the SF Foursquare church. Praying about it. Our pastor, Mike Woodman, has spoken with Pastor Dave. We were asked to be the Missions Coordinators which includes having a care group and meetings with Mike and Joyce.

February 1

As we were beginning our day, Dan mentioned that his friend, Delmus, was born to his mother at age 53.

Also as I was looking in my concordance, the word PREGNANT electrified on the page and jumped out at me.

331 – My Yearnings for Orphans

December 14 Daly City, trailer park

We had a slower start than we had intended because we got up at 7 instead of 5am.

In my Bible reading, I got Luke 2:12 This will be a sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.

I keep thinking of GG’s dream that there were seven of us in our family and she didn’t have enough beds for us all.

I keep thinking of orphans and widows, dreams and yearnings.

I keep thinking about also thought of the 40 Sri Lankan orphans that the pastor adopted, and Lillian Trasher’s Egyptian orphans.

Since last Christmas it seems very clear that the Lord is working in me the heart preparation for me to have a baby in my life once again. Thy will be done, Lord.

James 1:27 Religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Matthew 25:36 I needed clothes and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you came to visit Me.

Deuteronomy 14:29 Bring tithes…produce…for Levites and aliens—that the fatherless and widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.

Psalm 146:9 The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do right, seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

We called our friend Jan in the evening. She commiserated and will call people to pray for us!