117- Dan Loves Me and Jesus Loves Me

117- Dan Loves Me, and Jesus Loves Me

December 1, 1983

Dan loves me. I believe him.

December 8

The Homemaking Bible Study today ended up being a very painful experience. Dan prayed for me. Perhaps the Lord will give me feedback. I praise God for His continual unfailing love.

December 9

I need a revelation about my personality. There is something I think God is trying to get across. Dan says I am alright.

December 10

I am trying to justify being snarky, moody, and sour. The scripture gives me no support whatsoever.

Psalm 34:13 Keep your tongue from evil

                   14 Seek peace and pursue it

Proverbs 12:15 There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.

December 18

Dan confessed our relationship is not what it should be. That he has been working hard at other things and has been taking me for granted. Praise the Lord.

January 19, 1984

3am A dream woke me up. It was about a former relationship and was upsetting. I got up to tend the fire and make sure the boys were covered and I felt I should stay up and settle some things with God.

When I said to God: “Dan is just a man. How long can he love me?”

God said: “As long as I can love you!”

Dan belongs to God, the relationship is divinely ordained and divinely sustained. (we have always known that God brought us together) I got assurance that I need have NO FEAR of God’s or Dan’s love running out the more they get to know me. We both will keep putting wrongs at the foot of the cross. Jesus will give us ongoing love for Himself and one another.

114- We Are Blessed!

114- We are blessed!

November 1, 1983

I went to Dr. Ruiz and had a positive urine test! I’m pregnant! Due in June.

God, You have definitely been preparing me and as I look at You I am at peace and in joy. In September I suspected, but with Mark being sick and in the hospital I was so distracted and stressed, I could not be sure.

When I consider facing my parents and 95% of my Christian friends my blood runs cold because they will see us as foolish. SPEAK, LORD. I NEED A RHEMA FROM YOU!

HEBREWS 10:38 Now the just shall live by faith; but if anyone draws back, My soul has no pleasure in him.

Habakkuk 2:4c But the just shall live by his faith.

Dan gave me: Psalm 23:3b He leads me in the paths of righteous for HIS NAMESAKE.

It is for Jesus’ namesake that I go this way—hallelujah!

Tynale Commentary on the Bible on Psalm 23:3: The righteous one (whether an individual or a group) who belongs to God and whose trust continues in God and His promises SHALL LIVE, i.e., shall survive the present trial and receive His eternal reward. If, however, he DRAWS BACK THROUGH fear, God shall have no pleasure in him.

Dan also gave me: Psalm 128:1-4 Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways….Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

Our sons were 4, 3, and 1 when I had the positive pregnancy test! And, yes, people’s mouths fell open as the word got around that baby #4 was due in June.

As I re-read this post of my journal entries, I sound a little like a kook! But Dan and I have walked by faith our entire experience with Jesus. We have wanted to hear from Him and we have wanted to please Him by obeying Him. If others did not understand us, it was hard to bear sometimes, but it was okay. He always made sure we had at least one or two people who got it –because they lived that way also, or because they wished they could live in that kind of faith and they admired us for doing it. As the years have passed, we have matured, and we still walk by faith, seeking Him, listening and waiting for His word.

112- Womb Closed, Womb Open?

112- Womb Closed,

Womb Open?

July 8, 1983

Today I am remembering Vern’s prayer for the Lord to close my womb.

Lou had a disability. Our hearts went out to him and we welcomed him and his wife into our home on many occasions. He was a new friend at church, and he had said that he had a word from God that He would close my womb. I had faith that, although this sounded very unusual, I knew God was able to do this. It brought me peace for many months in this area that we were seeking the Lord about.

July 18

Lord, my appointment on Wednesday is with Dr. Staffer, a Christian associate of my regular doctor. I ASK that he notice my womb closed. (Sounds like an incredible request) It would make the testimony more believable. I also ask for You to tell the doctor if I have a hormonal imbalance or if I am beginning the change of life. I would like some counsel from him about this. Thank You.

August 16

Dan has been so loving and so faithful. Thank You for strengthening our relationship, for giving us Your love for each other.

September 19

*Yesterday at church Jan said, “Are you pregnant?” And I felt the Lord was telling me, “You are.”

*Two weeks ago a little boy at church, 7 year old Matthew, asked if I was going to have a baby!

*KathyS gave me two maternity dresses!

*I had spotting last Tues, but today I started my period.

*Oh! The doctor said my experience in prayer was just a symbol and not to rely on it for birth control.

*This morning on the phone, Karen said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were pregnant.”

I am shaken. I really thought this was settled. I guess I will soon know.

It’s not having another baby that is the issue. If that is what You want for me and for us, I will be ecstatically rejoicing from the depths of me. I really will, I will not resist in any way. In fact if there is new life in me, “welcome, little wee one! we love you already.”

The hard part is the humiliation and the jokes that will follow us and be thrown in our faces. And that hurts my spirit deep down.

I know You are able to do anything You want to do. By faith, I believe You are reliable, and that every circumstance You allow has purpose for Your kingdom and for my being conformed into the image of my precious Savior.

The man who had the word for me about the Lord closing my womb was only at our church a few months. Knowing him was a good experience because it has helped us recognize legalistic people and people who should be wearing a sign that says—beware of me! I’m a little ‘off kilter.’ You have seen Dan’s and my wholehearted faith in the Lord. But at the same time we needed to grow in the area of discernment of spirits.

Dan and I have gifts of mercy, so it was easy for us to bring this man into our world. But the gift of mercy really needs wisdom and Spirit leading or the mercy person will find himself with a houseful of homeless people or stray cats, and his hard-earned money in other people’s pockets and not his bank account.

109- Not a Speck – Part II

109- Not A Speck –

Part II

July 4, 1983

I am still not fully committed to Christ’s way. I still fear for my life, my children’s lives. [I think I meant that I was still apprehensive about selling all and about the possibility that God would ask us to leave everything familiar to go to another country forever….and maybe die there.]

But I need to continuously affirm that –

-“I am going with Christ to the END” –my flesh screams: “not to the END!”

-“I will go the way of the cross” –my flesh screams: “argh! not THAT way!”

-“I will deny MYSELF and follow after Jesus My Lord” –my flesh screams: “oh no! He’s a fanatic!”

I turn away from the wimpy flesh to Jesus: Continue reading “109- Not a Speck – Part II”

108- Not a Speck – Part I

108- Not A Speck –

Part I

July 4, 1983

I need love and deep peace, Lord. There’s not a speck of it in me.

2 John 1:5 …a new commandment…that we love one another.

Bible notes: The new law of Christ is the divine love as wrought into the renewed heart by the Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:5 …because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit…

Bible notes: This love flows out in the energy of the Spirit, unforced and spontaneous, toward the objects of the divine love. Continue reading “108- Not a Speck – Part I”

107- Dan says, Sell All

107- Dan Says, Sell All

June 29, 1983

Dan felt very strongly yesterday that the Lord said clearly to him to sell all and give the money to the poor.

It really is the desire of his heart and has been all his Christian life —to be really sold out to God.

He remembered telling Bill Denney (when we were having marriage counseling), “Georgann’s the only one I know who would ‘sell all’ for God.”

And now I’m faced once again with this reality.

(I gave away most of my possessions to the poor once before: see blog 22.)

It’s a greater step of faith being married with kids to think of taking this step of faith.

My folks would really believe I’d flipped out, although they wouldn’t have to know all the details. That release Pastor gave on Sunday – chains over the congregation being broken – releasing us from a paranoia of God. It was REAL release. I know God broke something in me and Dan.

Dan said, “We’re still in control, still running our lives. Only when we sell all will we be in the Lord’s control.”

Luke 12:33 Sell what you have and give alms

         34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

and –

Matthew 19:21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.

103- Cling to Christ – Part III

103- Cling to Christ – Part III

On June 17, 1983 – last week I groaned over my actions and wrote in my journal:

Galatians 4:19 My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you—

WOW! that’s it—I want to do this for my own little children—care carefully for them so that Christ will be formed in them!

Proverbs 17:27 He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.

What are my two biggest problems?

*too many words

*a negative, depressive, cast down spirit.

All of this says to me, you’ve got a rotten heart – the flesh nature – I sense the Lord saying:

“Don’t turn to men or put your trust in men in order to build yourself up, to get feedback, or to vent your frustrations!

Look to Me. You can get knowledge and understanding and have the self-control and the joyful spirit you so greatly desire. TRUST WHOLLY IN THE LORD!

Your friend [Jenny] sought Me out for three weeks and received! Let’s go.”

What a great and glorious miracle I am asking for! You met Jenny in her seeking, You will meet me.

Lead, my dear Spirit

86- Humbly Asking Forgiveness

86- Humbly Asking Forgiveness

October 5, 1982 Prayer Meeting at Church

Last night Dan had me go to the prayer meeting at church and he stayed home with the boys, so that I would catch the vision of Life Center and be with serious-minded Christians. When I hesitated, he said not to feel pressured to participate.

It was a glorious time with You, Jesus. In the pastor’s office, AS FOREWARNED BY YOU, Jeri came and sat right across from me! At an appropriate time I took her hand and led her out to the next room and asked her forgiveness regarding the situation with Dani. She said Dani’s name just as I did! and she forgave me. I did not want anything to hinder God’s working in me because of carrying unforgiveness  Praise You, Father.

One brother in the group was broken and I spoke: “it is no shame to be broken as Christ was broken for us.” In my thoughts as we had been praying for him—“he’s broken, oh! and he’s ashamed”—that’s when I spoke. I don’t know if the Lord spoke through me, or if my mind put that together. Perhaps, God, You would let me know. I ask in Jesus’ name.

It was so glorious being in God’s presence, seeing Him minister and use people. All I could say was “precious Jesus.”

Someone had used the phrase, “God wants to anoint You with ointment and minister to your wounds”– speaking to a brother. As I worshiped, I thought, “If I had ointment I would pour it on You, Jesus.”

I felt as if He said, “Speaking to Me in praise and in the Spirit is ointment for Me.”

82- Look Up!

82- Look Up!

August 18, 1982

Colossians 3:2-3 Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ with God.

On the road of life I am to be looking up to Jesus and keeping my faith in Him for all things!

AND YET, part of me argues:

because all the things on earth that I’m not supposed to be looking at are continually vying for my attention!

*bare cement floors

*only 2 doors (our bedroom and one bathroom)

*no window coverings in living room and guest room

*weedy yard (though not like our neighbors’ yards)

*no snow tires on vehicles, but decent regular tires

*Dan: working only part-time, sick with chest cold

*me: allergies, pooped, hair growing and growing, no money for haircut or blood panel or vitamins

I could go on, but it seems ridiculous to list the things I’m not supposed to be putting my mind on!

These last few days have been difficult. They remind me how much grace comes from reading the Word and humbly asking for it.

August 19

Two negative attitudes are having a great effect of me:

1– that God will not supply our needs for window coverings (there are 32 windows in this house), and floor coverings—therefore we will be cold this winter, get sick, maybe even die.

God speaks:

1 Timothy 6:6-8 But godliness with contentment is great gain; for we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. AND HAVING FOOD AND RAIMENT LET US BE THEREWITH CONTENT.

2being inside day in and day out, at home, is making me nervous. Taking the three boys out to visit and shopping makes me nervous.

God speaks:

Colossians 3:12 Put on, therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, tender mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering, forebearing, forgiving…

v 14 and above all put on love which is the bond of perfectness

v 15 and let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which also ye are called in one body; and be thankful.

v 16 Let the Word dwell richly in you.

September 2

Yesterday morning we prayed about money situation—bills due, vitamins needed, account overdrawn. In the mail came $50. And Dan has a job today that will bring money in.

September 6 Yesterday we received a check from Dan’s dad because he cashed in his life insurance policy –$5,140. PRAISE GOD. More than we expected! Humbled and grateful.

81- Cultivate Faithfulness

81- Cultivate Faithfulness

Just as this man is diligently working his land, I am to steadily put my best effort into keeping the soil of my heart fertile–free of fretting, doubting God’s goodness, envy, and every strife.

August 13, 1982

Psalm 37:1  Fret not yourself because of evildoers, be not envious toward wrong doers.

Proverbs 23:17 Do not let your heart envy sinners, but live in the fear of the Lord.

Psalm 37:3-5  Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight Yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it. 

Conviction:

*I am focusing on imperfect people, rather than on God.

*I am focusing on myself, rather than God.

*I look at others’ prosperity (my parents, my sisters, even other Christians) and then feel unhappy with my own situation.

*I am looking inward, and listening to others say: “Georgann, How do you do it with three kids?” –makes me panic and say to myself: yes—how DO I do it? And also gives me an open door to self pity.

*I get very shakey and tottery looking at these things rather than at God.

Oswald Chambers says: It is impossible for a believer, no matter what his experience, to keep right with God if he will not take the trouble to spend time with God….spend plenty of time with God; let other things go, but don’t neglect Him.

Psalm 37:9 For evildoers will be cut off. But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

Strong’s Concordance 6960: wait means to expect, to gather together, to look patiently, tarry.

Lord, help me to wait patiently for you, and to keep my eyes fixed on You through reading my Bible daily and building my faith in You.