275 – Jesus Died, I Must Die

275 – Jesus Died, I Must Die

August 26 and 27 1987

Gramma Fern must have sent us a good amount of money. How to spend it was the topic of several of Dan’s and my conversations in my journals and many days of seeking the Lord’s will. We went back to seriously thinking about Christian school for Timmy—at least I did.

This confuses me, Lord, and I need to hear from You. It feels we are getting ‘tossed about’ over this!

Lord, You know the whole issue, but now Dan feels very strongly that Timmy should go to public school. I sort of stormed out of the house and headed out to the country roads. I took an hour and a half brisk walk and confessed all my pride and rebellion, pouring out my heart’s confusion and sadness.

All I could say at the end of praying and praising and seeking You was, “Lord, carry me through this.” I definitely cannot cope.

I was wanting someone to pray with about submission who could be neutral and non-judgmental and give me wisdom. Donna brought a friend she had not seen in years to our Bible study after she ran into her at her son’s soccer game. I almost opened it up, but I didn’t want a big discussion with everyone’s advice and people hearing our problems without Dan there. But this Diane had moved her kids from the Christian School to the public school! I felt in my spirit that she would have encouragement and wisdom to share.

Matthew 27:43 …He trusts in God, let Him deliver Him now if He takes pleasure in Him…

People were saying of Jesus–HA! Let God deliver this man from the cross! I feel this is happening to me—I cannot come down from the cross. There are mockings and insults all around me. I feel I let my children down because they did not do well on the SAT test. I feel foolish and misunderstood by the neighbors AND the homeschoolers.

Then it occurred to me by the Spirit that Jesus did get off the cross. And so will I.

He got off when He died!I will get off —–when I die to this!

When I can really totally say, “Thy will be done.”

And when I do not get emotionally involved in what ANYONE thinks, but only in what YOU think, Lord.

273 – Interrogation

273 – Interrogation 

August 19, 1987

Bema was an 80 year old woman who lived in a cute green house with yellow-trimmed shutters directly across the street from us. She was Leslie’s and Julie’s mother, and the boys’ friend Chris’s grandmother. The daughters would gather daily to visit with their mom on the small patio. Bema and I really liked each other and oftentimes she would venture an opinion.

Yesterday Bema brought us home from Bingo at the rest home and voiced her concerns about homeschooling. She had decided that third grade was getting over my head when I‘d only taught first grade. What about preparation time and having the kids underfoot all day, every day?

I told her that I’d taught first, second, and third grades, and said just the right things, thank the Lord. I was surprised and caught off guard, but did not get defensive.

Just then Markie fell in the street while crossing it to get to our house. Praise God. I was forced, I should say– I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY, to leave the uncomfortable situation quickly.

Later in the evening Leslie came over with more questions about homeschooling. She had been sitting with Bema and Julie on Bema’s patio, probably chitchatting about us! I felt quizzed and uncomfortable. They were prying and I was trying to act like a Christian. This small town living is having its challenges.

Their concern was the prevailing attitude of the 80’s: how can a mom be smart enough and together enough to teach her kids at home, especially when there’s a bunch of them and they are all ages. AND how audacious are you to keep your children at home when they need the socializing that school offers.

All I knew was that the Lord had led me very clearly, Dan had agreed (reluctantly at first, but then wholeheartedly) and God had given me the verse: And when he brings out his own sheep,  he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice.  John 10:5

We did not want the boys to follow just any voice.

I had felt assurance that Jesus was with us in this endeavor.

272 – God Always Meets Me

272 -God Always Meets Me

August 13, 1987

I was in a deep quandary about homeschooling. I cried out to my Lord:

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to Thee I cry ALL DAY LONG. In the day of my trouble I shall call upon Thee’ for Thou wilt answer me. There is NO ONE like Thee among the gods, O Lord; nor are there any works like Thine. Psalm 86:3,7

Mike, dean of married students, made an appointment to meet with us and came to our house. He asked us to be home group leaders. He also wanted to discuss homeschooling. Last year a homeschool family had caused havoc and ended up in court! He loves our testimony of homeschooling and he said that Elim would back our decision to homeschool UNLESS it went against the school district’s recommendations (which is what the other family had done). Here’s the rub: because of their scores on the SAT test, the district wanted Tim and Steve enrolled. I told Mike and he and Dan agreed it would be a good idea to enroll the boys in September. I was horrified.

I went to the Lord, crying, pouring out my heart to the Lord, trying to wrap my head around sending my sons away to school. (The school was in reality just a short walk across the field behind our house).

Then I went to the Word. Nothing really made clear sense in Matthew 10 and 11 that I could relate to our situation. Then the Lord met me with His words:

Matthew 12:25 Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself cannot stand.

Matt 14:25 TAKE COURAGE, IT IS I, DO NOT BE AFRAID!

We can not afford to send the boys to Christian school. So it was important that I surrender and not cause havoc in our home by my stubbornness. I needed to give in, honor my husband, and trust God for our sons’ welfare. And I needed to not be fearful but trust Him.

This brought clarity and the peace of the Holy Spirit. Not that I did not waffle in the days ahead–I did, and so did Dan.

269 – Watching God Work

269 – Watching God Work

April 22, 1987

On Sunday, worship at Elim was WONDERFUL.

There was a call for prayer. The atmosphere was so anointed that I asked God what I could go up for. He told me and so I went.

We all had fun at Bob and Linda’s for Easter dinner. Cold outside, with snow on the ground, but eight little boys in the house went surprisingly well. Ages 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8!! Hers mixed in perfectly with mine.

Yesterday Jan called. She wants to come for a visit. There are horrible problems at her house. I said on the condition that she would be TOTALLY OPEN TO THE LORD, COUNSEL, PRAYER, etc.

At the dentist’s I witnessed to Sue, the dental assistant. She was interested that we wanted to tell Japanese people about Jesus! The Lord worked to set up her interest! It was amazing.

I sought out Cathy, the hygienist, and gave her a Guideposts magazine and an excellent book on becoming a Christian and getting started in a faith walk. She was not only receptive but excited.

Dan suggested I invite our neighbor Julie to the Cults class. We’re having a speaker on Thursday on Mormonism. She is considering it!!!

JULIE CALLED ME when I was getting my nerve up to ask her! GOD DID IT!!

But Jesus answered them, “My Father has been working until now, and I have been working.” John 5:17

I saw You working among us at church and at our friends’ home on Sunday, in my bold stance with Jan on Monday, in the dentist’s office on Tuesday– going before me softening the ladies’ hearts, and today working in Julie’s heart to be interested in visiting Elim and being open to hearing about her religion. Astounding! 

267 – We Are Being Sifted

267 – We Are Being Sifted

April 9, 1987

I drove into Lima for our home school gathering. A church marquee said:

           April 5, 1987  UNBOUND

THAT WAS MY BIRTHDAY! I feel that was for me!

Yesterday I got:

ARISE [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you; rise to a new life]!

SHINE – be radiant with the glory of the Lord;

for your light is come and the glory of the Lord is risen upon you!  Isaiah 60:1 (Amplified)

The sheriff came while we were in Lima with a summons! Dan’s passenger in the November car accident is suing our insurance company because Brian did not feel he got enough wage compensation during his recovery period. Funny thing—the people who were going to support him didn’t. I pray he will see clearly to drop the suit.

And the Lord said,[a] “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” Luke 22:31-32

We are being sifted.

Check from Life Center in Reno for $55 which is our grocery money for TODAY’s shopping! Praise Jesus!

Bill and Carol sent $10 and a letter. Bless them!

Gregg and Cheryl gave $40 for Dan and I to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.

263 – We Receive, We Stand Strong

263 – We Receive, We Stand Strong

March 18, 1987

God continues to bless us.

Did we pass some test? Ford some river of faith?

* At the married students’ chapel service, Mike passed the hat for Dan and over $500 came in.

*In our mailbox at Elim we received several money gifts, one of which was for $300. Wally and Debbie came by our house with $100.

*Total bank deposit I will make tomorrow: $1,188.21. All from the last two days.

*Janet and Bob called on his company’s WATS line.

*Possible job: Josie (house mate) saw advertised in the Penny Saver yesterday—a job for a draftsman—in Livonia! Right up the street!

*I was able to pay all the bills. I am overwhelmed to say the least.

*Dan called Pastor Dave so when people arrive at church tonight Dave will already know the news that several ladies (Janet, Jan, Jackie, Erna, Carol) already know…that we will be most likely staying here for the time being.

Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU” Hebrews 13:5

 March 19

My filling fell out last night.

Car wouldn’t start yesterday evening and the Livonia parts place was closed by then.

When Dan called today, they did not have the part.

I almost did not go to class, but I had determined last night that I must not miss what God has for me under any circumstances. Dan agreed and we stood firm. And prayed.

We decided to borrow Josie’s car. Dan and the boys drove me to Elim. Debbie had been here last night (giving us the check!) and had offered to take the boys to Thursday School (homeschool group), so we took her up on it. Dan stayed at school to study while I went to class and we both went to chapel.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Ephesians 6:10

257 – More Time with My Boys

257 – More Time

with My Boys

February 4, 1987

I woke up at 2:30am concerned about Stevie, feeling I’m so busy I don’t just sit and listen and play with him and his brothers. I had a few ideas on how to help each of them: an old idea that each boy could get a turn to go alone with Dan , then with me the next time, to the diner down the street, for a milkshake or something. Walk, hold hands, chat.

also: I could ask Carleen if I could bring one boy at a time to spend the morning with her boys while I am at class at Elim.

also: skip a homeschool subject once in a while to play a game with one boy.

May God help me. Why do I know He will? He always does.

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Psalm 37:23

247 – God Encouraged Me

247 – God Encouraged Me

December 27, 1986 Saturday

Oh! I just remembered:

After Karen had finished the pep talk on Christmas day, she talked about their Christmas gathering. A young man was there who is the third of six boys in a missionary family that had lived in China during his growing up years. She asked him how his mom had done raising them and if he had any advice she could share with me.

He said he knew it was hard for his mom to raise six sons, especially because her husband was gone A LOT and the responsibility was mainly hers. But she, LEANED ON THE LORD.

He said those years in China were the best in his life and that it is excellent experience for kids to grow up in a foreign country like that.

I had been asking God the last two weeks to tell me ANYTHING I needed to know about anything at all, because everything has been so difficult.

So He encouraged has me about:

*leaning on Him

*kids loving the overseas life

*ridding us of grumbling and complaining

*advised us of the spiritual attack and creepy spirits hanging around that we were to evict in Jesus’ name.

BLESS JESUS CHRIST!

BLESS OUR LORD!

GLORY TO GOD!

He also encouraged me by:

*having Dan home recently

*having Dan share the burden of the boys’ behavior

*letting me purchase plastic containers

*giving me time to organize and a clear head to do it today.

BLESS OUR GOD!!

233 – Focus on His Presence

 233 – Focus on His Presence, not Fear

November 19, 1986

Fear brings a fight-or-flight response. In my case, I pretty quickly go to panic. Fears can be real or imagined.

Here is the list I had in my journal on this day. It is a continuation of the previous blog:

*fear that I am losing the boys and I’ll not regain ‘control’ once they get distracted 

*fear that they will grow up and be weird

*fear someone will see the house messy

*fear the boys will be seen by others while they are fighting

*fear I will not be able to get Daniel playing happily with the toys and I will lose the boys’ interest in the school work while I am helping him

*fear people will see all of us as we really are, so often at odds, it seems.

Often I recognize the moment the fearful thought comes to me and I find myself going with it instead of holding every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

9pm After my half hour walk, I had a good time praying with Dan. I heard myself saying: “I let go of the boys, I just want to be in Your presence, Jesus.” WHAT PEACE CAME TO ME!!

Could this be the missing link?? Please continue to speak, Lord…. what comes immediately to mind is the book about George Mueller, which I began reading last night. As a newly saved believer, when he focused on his girlfriend and was infatuated with her, he had no communication or peace or presence of God. The moment he turned away from her and chose God, God was there. Is that what happens to me, Lord? Please speak to me!

10:30pm I love these verses, thank You!

In Thy presence is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:11

God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved.; God will help her when morning dawns. Psalm 46:5

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving, let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. Psalm 95:2

232 – Sorting Out My Fears

232 – Sorting Out My Fears

November 19, 1986

Let us function in love and brotherly kindness in our home! You are my only hope. There is less friction than ever, but sometimes I want to SCREAM.

I do not want cover everything over and just learn how to COPE!  HEAL ME DEEPLY! I want my reactions to be in love and kindness.

Dan discovered the book Inner Healing by Paula and John Sandford. I stopped at the library at Elim to pick it up before my Prophet’s class last night.

My challenges:

*the boys being disobedient—specifically: playfully disregarding me but enjoying each other!

*boys playing too rough and hurting each other

*Daniel being fussy and distracting us from schoolwork

*the stress of trying to keep to our school schedule

*focusing on the messy house

*anger at not having more food, toys, socks for the boys, personal time for me.

I was praying, and this verse came to my mind: When I am afraid I will put my trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3.

Hmmmm…the root of my anger seems to be FEAR—

I sought the Lord and, He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

to be continued on blog 233!