359 New Friend
August 4, 1989 San Francisco
I was in the Word but it did not minister to me. Confusion and doom overtook me! It was a PMS day, but I went ahead and met with a new friend, Kathy Reed. We went to Foster City in her car to a park. [Kathy and I would become great friends, sharing our homeschool ideas and our desires to have another baby. We realized we both desperately hoped someone would leave a baby on our doorsteps that would need us and fulfill our desire for more children!]
August 5 San Francisco
Yesterday was horrid. I woke up angry and awful, and I felt the Lord revealed to me that all of the fruit we have been consuming in the Fit for Life eating plan—had turned to sugar that built up in me the last two weeks and did me in!! We ran errands early and I finally ate breakfast about 9am. Eggs, cheese, wheat toast and in a few minutes I was FINE! It became a low stress weekend. So I am back to eggs and toast for breakfast. So although confusion reigned for a while yesterday, it did not win. Kathy and I had a wonderful connection.
Proverbs 4:23 above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. NIV note: If we store up good things (God’s words, wisdom, faith, hope) in our hearts, our words and actions will be good—because out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matt 12:34.
357 – Undivided Heart
to Honor You
August 3, 1989 San Francisco
verse 1 hear me
v 2 save me
v 3 be merciful
v 4 bring joy to me
Psalm 4:7 You have filled my heart with greater joy –
this means You put joy in me
v 11 teach me Your way
v 11 GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART that I may fear your name.
reference: Ezekiel 11:19 I will give them an UNDIVIDED HEART and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
20 Then they will follow My decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people and I will be their God.
18 remove vile images and detestable gods
reference: 1 Chronicles 12:33 the men of Zebulun experienced soldiers prepared for battle with every type of weapon, to help David—with UNDIVIDED LOYALTY.
reference: 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in UNDIVIDED DEVOTION to the Lord.
Lord, remove pregnancy or every attitude about it that makes it a god in competition for my affections for You.
Lord, don’t take away my husband and children so I can be undivided in devotion to You, but bring us all into a place of unity of purpose—to please You in all things, and fulfill all of Your call for us.
356 Into My Mind Popped…
August 2, 1989 San Francisco
I woke up feeling unusual. Am I pregnant? Doubt pushed the thoughts away. I asked God to speak to me today about it—silently, in my heart. A very short time later, on my walk around Bridgemont campus, worshiping, fellowshipping with God, I asked God again to speak to me on this subject. Into my mind popped 1 Thessalonians 2:7 and 1 Thessalonians 5:1!
This is what they say:
1 Thessalonians 2:7 but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.
1 Thessalonians 5:1-3 Now brothers about times and dates we do not need to write you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.
Depressed—not pregnant. Why do I want to be?
pure: my heart has been changed by God so that it is now the desire of my heart
truth: yet, hope deferred makes the heart grow sick
flesh: I would be able to justify sleeping more
pride: it would show me and others God’s favor on us
practical: I feel it would be good for the boys to have to become more helpful, independent in the kitchen, and good for Daniel not to be the baby.
I am always surprising myself that I am so real with God and myself.
310 – Walking by Faith,
Day by Day
August 4, 1988
My life is a constant death to self. WHAT? I shouts my flesh! OH NO! But then I must say to my Lord: Thy will be done! Have another baby? WHAT?? Thy will be done! Go back to Reno? Thy will be done.
When I asked Paulette, who with her husband and 3 children had set off early this year for 3 months in their van on a similar type of excursion, “What are we in for as we take off in the motor home by faith that God is leading us we know not where?” Her answer was: “Fun, desperation, and answered prayer!”
Today I said – OH LORD! I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU! But how can I hear you in Leviticus? So I went to Larry Lea’s book on prayer. In praying Jehovah-Jireh it says: God has ordained your success and one of the references is Deut 28:1-4 I was not consciously thinking of anything for me, only worshipping and praying, but this is what I read—this is what my God let me to!!
If you will fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all His commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and in the country. [regarding our traveling!!] THE FRUIT OF YOUR WOMB WILL BE BLESSED, and the crop of your land and the young of your livestock, the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks. [regarding the baby vision!!]
After the kids were in bed, just as I was about to bring up the subject of the baby vision—Dan said: we’ll do well with the Calvert (homeschool materials) because we’ll have to do a certain number of pages a day and it will be very disciplined, and WE WON’T HAVE A BABY! So I launched into my thoughts about babies, everything that had been on my mind (the possibility of me getting pregnant or whatever else God has in mind). He was a bit shaken but a while later at bedtime he said: IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.
Leviticus 9:2-3 After Aaron atoned for the people’s sin FIRE came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed the burnt offering. The people shouted for joy and fell face down.
Your glory must be so awesome, Lord!
Marsha (my sister) called—I was honest and told her the boys had prayed for me today. I have been nervous about our going out from here by faith. She told me about David (her son) and the 450 Mormon missionaries who are all SELF-supported going out all over the world.
296 – More Baby Thinking
July 1, 1988
My mom had a dream that I arrived at their house HUGE. She said it looked like I had three big balloons in my tummy. In the dream I said, “Oh these are our three little girls. We are having triplets!” She said, “But Dan had a vasectomy, and we don’t have room in our house for seven children!”
She said I was VERY happy in the dream.
Paulette believes that the triplet dream means a three-fold ministry with children—that it is spiritual not physical. I believe it is physical because mom said, “We don’t have room for seven.” I BELIEVE THAT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH US HAVING MORE CHILDREN.
There was a pillar of cloud in the sky this morning, and I felt like the Spirit was saying: “Don’t doubt God’s power.”
Abraham was 86 years old when Ishmael was born. When Abraham was 99 years old , God appeared to him.
Something in me resists a pregnancy. I feel it would be embarrassing because of my promiscuous lifestyle in the past and that it would cause people to question my integrity because Dan has had a vasectomy. I lay it down.
Not my will but Thine be done. Luke 22:42b
The note in my NIV Bible on Genesis 15:17 says that God ministered to Abraham’s need for assurance.
LORD, WOULD YOU MINISTER TO MY NEED FOR ASSURANCE?
Maybe this is Him ministering to me…Lord are you saying:
Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘will I really have a child now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord?…. Genesis 18:13
This is so outlandish and speculative, and yet I feel an excitement about bearing more children—and no fear. Lord, when I have heard from You (like when the sheriff brought the subpoena and You spoke to me) I have peace and not fear.