357 Undivided Heart to Honor You

357 – Undivided Heart

   to Honor You

August 3, 1989 San Francisco

Psalm 86

        verse 1 hear me

        v 2 save me

        v 3 be merciful

        v 4 bring joy to me

            Psalm 4:7 You have filled my heart with greater joy –

                             this means You put joy in me

       v 11 teach me Your way

       v 11 GIVE ME AN UNDIVIDED HEART that I may fear your name.

           reference: Ezekiel 11:19  I will give them an UNDIVIDED HEART and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

                   20 Then they will follow My decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people and I will be their God.

                  18 remove vile images and detestable gods

                        reference: 1 Chronicles 12:33 the men of Zebulun experienced soldiers prepared for battle with every type of weapon, to help David—with UNDIVIDED LOYALTY.

               reference: 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in UNDIVIDED DEVOTION to the Lord.

Lord, remove pregnancy or every attitude about it that makes it a god in competition for my affections for You.

Lord, don’t take away my husband and children so I can be undivided in devotion to You, but bring us all into a place of unity of purpose—to please You in all things, and fulfill all of Your call for us.

356 – Into My Mind Popped…

356 Into My Mind Popped…

August 2, 1989 San Francisco

I woke up feeling unusual. Am I pregnant? Doubt pushed the thoughts away. I asked God to speak to me today about it—silently, in my heart. A very short time later, on my walk around Bridgemont campus, worshiping, fellowshipping with God, I asked God again to speak to me on this subject. Into my mind popped 1 Thessalonians 2:7 and 1 Thessalonians 5:1!

This is what they say:

1 Thessalonians 2:7 but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.

1 Thessalonians 5:1-3 Now brothers about times and dates we do not need to write you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.

August 3

Depressed—not pregnant. Why do I want to be?

            pure: my heart has been changed by God so that it is now the desire of my heart

            truth: yet, hope deferred makes the heart grow sick

            flesh: I would be able to justify sleeping more

            pride: it would show me and others God’s favor on us

            practical: I feel it would be good for the boys to have to become more helpful, independent in the kitchen, and good for Daniel not to be the baby.

I am always surprising myself that I am so real with God and myself.

 

353 Encouragement from the Holy Spirit

353 – Encouragement from the Holy Spirit

July 17, 1989 San Francisco

Dan and I were always wondering, what’s next? Are we being effective here, is this Your will, or are we to move on?

We were attending the SF Foursquare Church and also Sunday morning Japanese Sunday School. I wrote in my journal that I heard God say during the Japanese teaching: I can earthquake you out of this place and into My will. Our part is to seek Him, cry out, praise, and REST. He will get us where we need to be. This was prophetic, because we—and everybody else—were surprised by a 6.9 earthquake three months later. And we moved!

In the grocery store, observing the throng, I realized: the devil knows whose are his own. He can put thoughts in their hearts to do evil things or think evil things. 

We are wise, cautions, praying, watching, avoiding.

I have found GRACE meeting me more and more—to be peaceful, to be wise, to receive from the Lord, to be quiet.

July 19

Helen prayed powerfully for us at church tonight. This is what I remember: The time is ticking away; we need to be involved with Japanese people. We can, better than born-again Japanese Christians, reach certain people for Christ. She prayed that lies and weaknesses and insecurities would be bound and that we would go forth into the relationships the Lord has for us with Japanese people.

Mary exhorted us that only arrogance and pride will refuse to accept Christ’s death as atonement for ANY sin. She gave us Exodus 14The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Look up!

Deborah encouraged me that the Lord would provide a Japanese housewife to speak for me, that God’s language is agape (love). Agape would be my language and to not worry about it. Dan will learn it and the boys will catch it, and I am not to worry

352 – Comfortable Routines

                                                        352 – Comfortable Routines

April 18 1989 San Francisco

I looked around at our very little living room approvingly after breakfast this morning. We like it here, at Bridgemont, in this little apartment. It’s comfortable, we have routines. I’m walking every day, Dan can do his drafting in the room down the hall. The boys can run down to the Red Room and play and not bother anyone, the pool is always available, though a bit of a hike. Neighbors come and go, meaning they move in and move out fairly often, but there’s a good feeling among us and camaraderie happens easily when new tenants arrive. 

Again, we began seriously to call on Jesus for success in our attitude and perseverance about home school. As a result, the kids are more cooperative and less complaining, and I am more organized and patient, and more confident that they are really learning something.

But my hope, my fulfillment, my satisfaction, are in Christ my Lord. For me to live successfully, peacefully, fulfilled, is all Christ. If I slide in my persistent seeking of Him and skip my Bible reading, my focus shifts and I’m in agitation and insecurities.

My journal notes are Bible verses and notes, enough to keep me going, but nothing stunning to write here about. I was re-reading Hannah Whitall Smith’s book, The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life. We had many good friends from church and we were very busy with home group, potlucks, following Giants and A’s baseball games with Bill.

We went to Reno for the wedding of one of Dan’s friends. We had overnight guests.

 There is no diary of other family activities  until July 6.

July 6

Last night after church the car would not start. Deborah and Cathy walked home from church and we took the bus. A bit of adventure doing it at night! We arrived home at 10:40pm. The boys were not able to attend a friend’s overnight backyard campout. They were very good sports about it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

347 – The Word Refreshes the Weary

347 – The Word Refreshes

the Weary

March 24, 1989

Feeling tired.

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Reaping sounds like a good promise. I’ll take it.

March 25

God is teaching me faithfulness in the long haul as I keep on track with Him. I am to bear with my sons and come to Him for inspiration, revelation, joy, strength, empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

My goals for the boys:

Philippians 1:9 that your love may bound in knowledge and depth of insight so you are able to discern good and evil and be pure and blameless!

and be filled with the fruit of righteousness!

v 12 my chains (my struggle to stay upbeat, loving, fair, patient & kind) will encourage others.

My exhortation to myself from Philippians: be set on rejoicing!

v 19 It’s all going to work out through the prayers of the saints and the help of the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit will bring my deliverance (the ability to rise above the circumstances which would pull me down otherwise)

v 20 Paul expects he will not be ashamed through all of his trials and he expects he will have sufficient courage to continue so Christ will be exalted through him.

v 21 Christ is my reason for living. All my life takes on meaning and relevance and purpose because of Christ.

v 25 Paul chooses to keep on so they will progress in the faith

so they will be joyful in growing and advancing.  (I see this in my sons, a joy and a camaraderie)

NIV note: Paul puts the needs of those he ministers to ahead of his personal preference. Such an example.

 

346 – Identifying with Much-Afraid*

346 – Identifying with

Much-Afraid*

March 19, 1989 Sunday morning

I was led to read Psalm 128:3-4 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the LORD.

Later reading Babar, a children’s book, to the kids: triplets were born! that causes my heart to skip.

March 20

Calling out to the Lord, as Much Afraid*, putting my hope in HIM.

March 21

Middle of the night, very nauseous.

Lay real still.

Cautious this a.m.

Rich food last night.

As I come to my Lord this morning I am NOT going to try to do this myself and be tough!

HELP SHEPHERD!

Let us get a pregnancy test. Let the truth, yea or nay, be known before we travel to Oxnard. I’m not going to try doing this on my own without YOU. I’m falling upon my precious Savior, BELIEVING You will SAVE ME and be a blessed Redeemer today for us all. I lay down my self will and accept your will, in  abandonment, fully trusting You. 

March 22 Up early to pray and humble myself before the Lord.

Humble yourselves–feeling very insignificant–in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.–He will lift you up and make your lives significant. James 4:10 Amplified

The squeeze of my family’s questionings and probing always concerns me before I go to visit them–and I see acutely the need I have for strength to stand in faith because I am so weak.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

NIV notes: Habakkuk has learned the lesson of faith—to trust God’s providence regardless of circumstances. He declares that even if God should send suffering and loss, he would still rejoice in His Savior God—one of the strongest affirmations of faith in all scripture.

v. 19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.

NIV notes: He gives me sure-footed confidence.

You always meet me, Jesus, You always come to me in a way I can understand.

*Much-Afraid is the protagonist in Hannah Hurnard’s bestselling book Hinds’ Feet on High Places, an allegory published in 1955. Much-Afraid finds comfort and understanding and a new kind of accepting love from the Shepherd. She desires only to please Him and always turns to Him for advice. Her greatest joy is in serving Him. I identified with her and her relationship with Jesus on her spiritual journey.

345 – My Faith Gets Shaken

345 – My Faith Gets Shaken

March 16, 1989

One night, ten years ago, when we were attending Bible school in Germany and I was anxious about the well being of my baby in the womb, and I was crying out to God, He gave me this verse. It is a precious promise that the children I bear are blessed by God.

Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem!
Praise your God, O Zion!
For He has strengthened the bars of your gates;
He has blessed your sons within you.
He makes peace in your borders;
He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. Psalm 147:12-14

March 17, 1989

4am awakened with a distressing physical symptom.

Confused. If I cannot believe that all of the way we’ve come in this baby issue was Your leading –how can I believe You about Your leading to homeschool, Your leading that we are going to Japan….

Will I now have to question everything else that we are doing by faith?

Back to bed.

Felt waves of comfort and grace!

Dan was compassionate. He quoted:

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:18-19

Dan came in later and said, “In some way that only God can do, this whole experience you are having is going to confirm our calling.”

I talked to God.

Dan said, rest and pray in the Spirit all day, not in words that could express doubt and fear.

So I began my day expecting Jesus to be very near to me and very real. Bless You, Savior.

The thought also came to me: to have another baby is not a selfish desire of mine—that is a lie. To have been home already for ten years and if I had another baby, it would add five more years to the tail end of that. I know myself well enough that I know I would not choose that. Yet, if a baby is God’s will for us, I would gladly do this for Him, for His will, for His plan.

This lifted me also, encouraged me. It is the will of the Lord I am seeking. Yes, my heart is pure about this.

343 – Baby Yearnings

343 – Baby Yearnings

February 16, 1989

New friend, Mary, down the hall from us. Mary’s mother-in-law is visiting: she said that in her family, four boys were born then her. 

Of course I thought of our four sons and then a girl being added!

February 17

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father to who be glory forever and ever. Amen. Galatians 1:3-5

Realization and praise for what Christ has done. Determination in the Spirit to go forth in praises—and not be overcome by sickness or sin or insecurities.

For two hours I cared for Mary’s baby twin boys, Ambrose and Austin, while she counseled her brother on the phone. Prayed in support of her. Our boys were in and out, up and down the deserted hall, back and forth from her place to ours.

February 18

This morning Dan and I prayed. And later I realized how disappointed I am that I am not pregnant. I called out for God’s comfort. Disappointed that my womb is empty, but ALSO that I misinterpreted God again. But God began to minister to me.

I NOW KNOW what countless women experience who greatly desire children of their own, looking every month for signs of pregnancy. Praise the Lord.

Instantly I understood too that this is preparation for CARING FOR other’s babies.

Jan (back in Reno) took in three homeless children. Dan and I can take care of babies of women who are not aborting or provide temporary care. It would be a blessing for our whole family, Lord. You turned my mourning into JOY and DANCING! Also I realized: I never experienced this yearning before. Our sons came so fast that I never had time to yearn!

Unfortunately I did not hold fast to this position of this being about caring for other people’s babies, which would have been CORRECT!! Because that is what we eventually did. INSTEAD, for two more years I wondered every month if I was pregnant. My poor husband!

339 – Here’s My Heart, Lord

339 – Here’s My Heart, Lord

February 2, 1989 Bridgemont, SF

God led me to Proverbs 2 and I began to cry out for wisdom, insight, and understanding.

My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding—
indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
    from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He holds success in store for the upright,
    he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for he guards the course of the just
    and protects the way of his faithful ones.

I laid out before the Lord all the pondering and the full awareness of my deceitful heart and my ability in the flesh to go on with this for 3 ½ years—but that MY TRUE DESIRES were to become pregnant. I remember well the Spirit’s prayer through me years ago: that He would use us to speak out against abortion in whatever way He chose. I felt it was very bold, very Spirit; but the Spirit was moving and it was easy to step into it—and I meant it with all my heart.

I am putting my trust in God for giving me wisdom and insight, reducing the stress in my life by speaking to me a yea or nay about this, for speaking my heart to Dan as soon as possible.

It was well and good to desire a pregnancy, even at my age, 43. The challenge was that Dan had had a vasectomy after our fourth son was born. I knew God could over-ride the surgeon’s handiwork. No doubts whatsoever. But I didn’t want my will to be done. If it truly was a God-thing, I wanted Dan to be on board and so determined to talk to him about it, again. Over the years I have learned, God doesn’t mock our wildest, craziest dreams. He is right there with us as we walk it out.

310 – Walking by Faith, Day by Day

310 – Walking by Faith,

Day by Day

August 4, 1988

My life is a constant death to self. WHAT? I shouts my flesh! OH NO! But then I must say to my Lord: Thy will be done! Have another baby? WHAT?? Thy will be done! Go back to Reno? Thy will be done.

August 5

When I asked Paulette, who with her husband and 3 children had set off early this year for 3 months in their van on a similar type of excursion, “What are we in for as we take off in the motor home by faith that God is leading us we know not where?” Her answer was: “Fun, desperation, and answered prayer!”

August 6

Today I said – OH LORD! I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU! But how can I hear you in Leviticus? So I went to Larry Lea’s book on prayer. In praying Jehovah-Jireh it says: God has ordained your success and one of the references is Deut 28:1-4 I was not consciously thinking of anything for me, only worshipping and praying, but this is what I read—this is what my God let me to!!

If you will fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all His commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and in the country. [regarding our traveling!!] THE FRUIT OF YOUR WOMB WILL BE BLESSED, and the crop of your land and the young of your livestock, the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks. [regarding the baby vision!!]

August 8

After the kids were in bed, just as I was about to bring up the subject of the baby vision—Dan said: we’ll do well with the Calvert (homeschool materials) because we’ll have to do a certain number of pages a day and it will be very disciplined, and WE WON’T HAVE A BABY! So I launched into my thoughts about babies, everything that had been on my mind (the possibility of me getting pregnant or whatever else God has in mind). He was a bit shaken but a while later at bedtime he said: IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.

Leviticus 9:2-3 After Aaron atoned for the people’s sin FIRE came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed the burnt offering. The people shouted for joy and fell face down.

Your glory must be so awesome, Lord!

Marsha (my sister) called—I was honest and told her the boys had prayed for me today. I have been nervous about our going out from here by faith. She told me about David (her son) and the 450 Mormon missionaries who are all SELF-supported going out all over the world.