117- Dan Loves Me and Jesus Loves Me

117- Dan Loves Me, and Jesus Loves Me

December 1, 1983

Dan loves me. I believe him.

December 8

The Homemaking Bible Study today ended up being a very painful experience. Dan prayed for me. Perhaps the Lord will give me feedback. I praise God for His continual unfailing love.

December 9

I need a revelation about my personality. There is something I think God is trying to get across. Dan says I am alright.

December 10

I am trying to justify being snarky, moody, and sour. The scripture gives me no support whatsoever.

Psalm 34:13 Keep your tongue from evil

                   14 Seek peace and pursue it

Proverbs 12:15 There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.

December 18

Dan confessed our relationship is not what it should be. That he has been working hard at other things and has been taking me for granted. Praise the Lord.

January 19, 1984

3am A dream woke me up. It was about a former relationship and was upsetting. I got up to tend the fire and make sure the boys were covered and I felt I should stay up and settle some things with God.

When I said to God: “Dan is just a man. How long can he love me?”

God said: “As long as I can love you!”

Dan belongs to God, the relationship is divinely ordained and divinely sustained. (we have always known that God brought us together) I got assurance that I need have NO FEAR of God’s or Dan’s love running out the more they get to know me. We both will keep putting wrongs at the foot of the cross. Jesus will give us ongoing love for Himself and one another.

115- Have You Heard Of….?

115- Have You Heard of ….

September 18, 1983

Have you heard of a condition called Erythema multiforme? Writing it brings up my emotions as I remember our son’s experience.

Erythema multiforme (EM) is an acute, self-limited, and sometimes recurring skin condition that is considered to be a type IV hypersensitivity reaction associated with certain infections, medications, and other various triggers. Erythema multiforme may be present within a wide spectrum of severity. (from emedicine.medscape.com)

During exceptional events, life is so disorganized that journaling does not happen. My journal skips from September 18 to September 24.

Such was the case when Mark (#3 son), age 18 months, woke up one morning with alarming signs of bruising on his torso. He had not fallen, it was not an injury. We were flummoxed. We took him to the pediatrician, and she put him in the hospital. She said it was a disease that she had heard of but never dealt with.

We immediately called the church prayer chain and friends responded heroically to help us out with babysitting, meals, and every support possible.

Because of Mark’s young age, his hospital crib, which was tall enough for him to stand up in, had strong bars and looked like a cage. The bruising increased and moved around on his body. It looked like he had been severely physically abused. We got many strange looks from people.

Elders from our church and friends came to the hospital to pray.

Mark did exceptionally well in his ordeal. Friends’ prayers brought tons of grace to his spirit and he was not afraid. All of the nurses loved him.

Our friends’ prayers sustained us also.

Life happens. There is no substitute for being in a Bible-teaching church and making good friends there. You can be there for them and they will be there for you in the good times and the stressful times. We have never been more than a few weeks between churches, and in 40 years and living in several US cities we have had many excellent church experiences and only a few bad ones.

107- Dan says, Sell All

107- Dan Says, Sell All

June 29, 1983

Dan felt very strongly yesterday that the Lord said clearly to him to sell all and give the money to the poor.

It really is the desire of his heart and has been all his Christian life —to be really sold out to God.

He remembered telling Bill Denney (when we were having marriage counseling), “Georgann’s the only one I know who would ‘sell all’ for God.”

And now I’m faced once again with this reality.

(I gave away most of my possessions to the poor once before: see blog 22.)

It’s a greater step of faith being married with kids to think of taking this step of faith.

My folks would really believe I’d flipped out, although they wouldn’t have to know all the details. That release Pastor gave on Sunday – chains over the congregation being broken – releasing us from a paranoia of God. It was REAL release. I know God broke something in me and Dan.

Dan said, “We’re still in control, still running our lives. Only when we sell all will we be in the Lord’s control.”

Luke 12:33 Sell what you have and give alms

         34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

and –

Matthew 19:21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.

105- Not Worthy? That’s a Lie.

105- Not Worthy?

That’s a Lie!

In the original entry this encompassed more thoughts and verses. I simplified it.

June 27, 1983

I think I just saw something!!

Psalm 51:6 Behold, You desire TRUTH in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

There is a lie in my innermost being that continually says I am not worthy.

YES, THERE IS A LIE. WHAT IS THE LIE, FATHER? EXPOSE IT PLEASE.

Is there an incident, a person,  or a sin my mother passed on to me?

I think—all I need to do is BELIEVE I am worthy—

The flesh says: you will be a traitor to me if you believe you are loved. You would not be as I have trained you to be—willful, selfish, spoiled, negative, impatient.

But I say: I am in the image of my heavenly Father. The fruit of His Spirit is to flow from me continually.

I am free to love my children as an imperfect person and I am free to not expect them to be perfect.

I am free to let Christ himself live through me.

The chains are broken to my flesh, my house, my past.

I am free to let go and enjoy my husband and my children.

I am free to trust Christ.

I am free TO TRUST CHRIST.

I am free to be near or leave my parents and sisters.

I am free to leave Reno, Life Center, the safety of the known for the unknown.

103- Cling to Christ – Part III

103- Cling to Christ – Part III

On June 17, 1983 – last week I groaned over my actions and wrote in my journal:

Galatians 4:19 My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you—

WOW! that’s it—I want to do this for my own little children—care carefully for them so that Christ will be formed in them!

Proverbs 17:27 He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.

What are my two biggest problems?

*too many words

*a negative, depressive, cast down spirit.

All of this says to me, you’ve got a rotten heart – the flesh nature – I sense the Lord saying:

“Don’t turn to men or put your trust in men in order to build yourself up, to get feedback, or to vent your frustrations!

Look to Me. You can get knowledge and understanding and have the self-control and the joyful spirit you so greatly desire. TRUST WHOLLY IN THE LORD!

Your friend [Jenny] sought Me out for three weeks and received! Let’s go.”

What a great and glorious miracle I am asking for! You met Jenny in her seeking, You will meet me.

Lead, my dear Spirit

101- Consider Your Temperament – Part I

101- Consider Your Temperament

June 22, 1983

Yesterday Becky M and I fasted, skipping breakfast and lunch. The kids had excellent naps and I had excellent devotions.

Afterwards, Timmy turned on Dan’s tape recorder and the tape was Rick Howard talking about depression! Just what I needed to hear.

*by temperament and disposition some people are depressive or introspective. YES, ME!

*don’t be condemned by this.

*don’t think you are not spiritual or that God doesn’t love you.

*everyone is different. Some people wake up early and are smiling!

*Peter was not even-tempered (John 21). He got out of sorts—but Jesus came to him, accepted him.

*don’t isolate yourself. Satan loves that. Keep in koinonea (fellowship).

*when other people are depressed don’t give pat answers, and quote scripture– go alongside them, as friends did for Peter.

*realize as well that you might be in a time of great testing that can involve physical problems and overwork which can lead to depression.

I was really ministered to by the Holy Spirit with this truth. I gained insight. I feel I am able to accept this part of me and work with the Lord to overcome it.

Dan encouraged me to praise, so I did today.

Karen called, then brought me three beautiful roses, representing each of my boys and reminding me of their worth and mine.

94- A Message That Became Prophetic

94- A Message That Became Prophetic

December 1982 Dan was asked by our pastor to speak one Sunday morning. These are my notes:

*self-centeredness is against God’s heart and God’s gospel

*Christ died for the church, for the kingdom, not just for me

*Romans 5 – Christ died for us

*Ephesians 5 – Christ gave Himself for the church

*Ephesians 1 – The church is the fullness of Him who fills all in all

*therefore we are not to love for ourselves

*be a servant, even if you work for a difficult taskmaster

*care not for ME

*do everything heartily as unto the Lord

Three months after this message we invited a family from our church to move into our home.

Continue reading “94- A Message That Became Prophetic”

91 Death to Self vs Giving Vent to Self

91- Death to Self

vs

Giving Vent to Self

November 19, 1982

At dinner last night with Pastor Dave and Linda, I was able to ask my question: several women have been telling me of receiving counsel that says they need to express themselves, to be themselves. And I wondered, whatever happened to ‘death to self’ which is Jesus’ way.

Pastor said: the human natural way is to repress and psychology says express. To repress hurts us and to express hurts (inflicts) others with our problems. But to release our feelings to Jesus is the healthy way, the only way that really works. Then Jesus can change me, change others, change circumstances, heal, build up, restore—whatever He deems appropriate.

Praise God for saving me from the wrong counsel. Please advise my friends.

another November day, no date noted

Thank You for teaching me about walking after the flesh vs walking after the Spirit. I am so convicted about my visit with FF yesterday and my accepting the conversation—even participating! I feel rotten. I hate gossip.

Matthew 12:36 …every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account of it on the day of judgment.

November 26

Psalm 92:15…the Lord is upright. He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.

This is something wonderful about God’s character.

87- Me in the Way

87- Me in the Way

October 5, 1982

At the prayer meeting I found myself thinking, “perhaps this is the night I will receive a prayer language from the Lord.”

My emphasis has always been–

ON JESUS GIVING IT –

but also …

ON ME GETTING IT –

ON ME HAVING IT –

ON ME USING IT –

THAT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF ME!

I felt I experienced a real desire to love Jesus as He would desire me to love Him. Something selfless…..something not very familiar anymore because my life is so full that I don’t make as much time for being close to Him. 

Because of my full life, I find myself looking for ways others can serve me, ways I can escape from the overwhelming fullness, rather than on presenting myself  for Jesus’ use. (Actually, I do ask to be used, but He seems to call me to such quiet, unspectacular service—exhorting my family, doing housework, diapers…)

My life is full of these wonderful people! Here, everyone is participating in Markie’s kitchen-sink bath on a sunny June afternoon.

86- Humbly Asking Forgiveness

86- Humbly Asking Forgiveness

October 5, 1982 Prayer Meeting at Church

Last night Dan had me go to the prayer meeting at church and he stayed home with the boys, so that I would catch the vision of Life Center and be with serious-minded Christians. When I hesitated, he said not to feel pressured to participate.

It was a glorious time with You, Jesus. In the pastor’s office, AS FOREWARNED BY YOU, Jeri came and sat right across from me! At an appropriate time I took her hand and led her out to the next room and asked her forgiveness regarding the situation with Dani. She said Dani’s name just as I did! and she forgave me. I did not want anything to hinder God’s working in me because of carrying unforgiveness  Praise You, Father.

One brother in the group was broken and I spoke: “it is no shame to be broken as Christ was broken for us.” In my thoughts as we had been praying for him—“he’s broken, oh! and he’s ashamed”—that’s when I spoke. I don’t know if the Lord spoke through me, or if my mind put that together. Perhaps, God, You would let me know. I ask in Jesus’ name.

It was so glorious being in God’s presence, seeing Him minister and use people. All I could say was “precious Jesus.”

Someone had used the phrase, “God wants to anoint You with ointment and minister to your wounds”– speaking to a brother. As I worshiped, I thought, “If I had ointment I would pour it on You, Jesus.”

I felt as if He said, “Speaking to Me in praise and in the Spirit is ointment for Me.”