233 – Focus on His Presence

 233 – Focus on His Presence, not Fear

November 19, 1986

Fear brings a fight-or-flight response. In my case, I pretty quickly go to panic. Fears can be real or imagined.

Here is the list I had in my journal on this day. It is a continuation of the previous blog:

*fear that I am losing the boys and I’ll not regain ‘control’ once they get distracted 

*fear that they will grow up and be weird

*fear someone will see the house messy

*fear the boys will be seen by others while they are fighting

*fear I will not be able to get Daniel playing happily with the toys and I will lose the boys’ interest in the school work while I am helping him

*fear people will see all of us as we really are, so often at odds, it seems.

Often I recognize the moment the fearful thought comes to me and I find myself going with it instead of holding every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

9pm After my half hour walk, I had a good time praying with Dan. I heard myself saying: “I let go of the boys, I just want to be in Your presence, Jesus.” WHAT PEACE CAME TO ME!!

Could this be the missing link?? Please continue to speak, Lord…. what comes immediately to mind is the book about George Mueller, which I began reading last night. As a newly saved believer, when he focused on his girlfriend and was infatuated with her, he had no communication or peace or presence of God. The moment he turned away from her and chose God, God was there. Is that what happens to me, Lord? Please speak to me!

10:30pm I love these verses, thank You!

In Thy presence is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:11

God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved.; God will help her when morning dawns. Psalm 46:5

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving, let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. Psalm 95:2

232 – Sorting Out My Fears

232 – Sorting Out My Fears

November 19, 1986

Let us function in love and brotherly kindness in our home! You are my only hope. There is less friction than ever, but sometimes I want to SCREAM.

I do not want cover everything over and just learn how to COPE!  HEAL ME DEEPLY! I want my reactions to be in love and kindness.

Dan discovered the book Inner Healing by Paula and John Sandford. I stopped at the library at Elim to pick it up before my Prophet’s class last night.

My challenges:

*the boys being disobedient—specifically: playfully disregarding me but enjoying each other!

*boys playing too rough and hurting each other

*Daniel being fussy and distracting us from schoolwork

*the stress of trying to keep to our school schedule

*focusing on the messy house

*anger at not having more food, toys, socks for the boys, personal time for me.

I was praying, and this verse came to my mind: When I am afraid I will put my trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3.

Hmmmm…the root of my anger seems to be FEAR—

I sought the Lord and, He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

to be continued on blog 233!

231 – Organized and Praising

231 – Getting Organized and Praising Jesus

November 17, 1986

Last week I was able to surrender organizing the house, I had been harping on it in prayer and grinding and striving about it in my mind. And then He came through for me. Praise the Lord!

I made a special trip to the campus book store to get the book Dan had heard about in a chapel service this week: The Organized Woman. Then on Saturday Dan provided the time and the Lord gave me clarity to work on the kitchen and the mudroom. The mudroom is huge and home to yard tools, winter boots, extra shoes, coats, outside toys, snow toys, washer and dryer, and laundry piles. These are the two rooms I spend my time in the most and that were the MOST important. The play room I had done last week, and it is still organized.

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace…. 1 Corinthians 14:33

I will continue praising and worshiping You today.

Let praises fill this house as You exhorted me 3 years ago. It has been happening. The boys are loving spending time praising You. Their Spirits become immediately joyful!

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You. Psalm 71:23

…and those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Isaiah 35:10

223 -Total Commitment

223 – Total Commitment

October 23, 1986

Acts4:31 – and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and they continued to speak the word of God with freedom and boldness and courage. (Amplified)

My Bible note says that it was God’s grace that enabled the disciples to be bold and courageous, and generous. God was calling for total commitment and purity of heart and through them He did signs and wonders.

God healed, He killed (Ananias and Sapphira), He had an angel manifest to open a prison door. He had His disciples oppose the local authorites and take a stand and preach Christ. They took the risks. Because they were filled full of the Holy Spirit and could only obey God.

God loves our total commitment, everything brought before Him continually, and He gives great favor in exchange.

I see us in total commitment:

-taking the risk to leave all and come to Bible School

-receiving favor to homeschool

-the generosity of our church friends and our family

-phone calls, letters, love from friends—and prayers

-my parents devotion to us

-getting in to Dr. Ness’s medical group at the last minute

-favor with landlord

Acts 5:32 And we are witnesses of these things, and the Holy Spirit is also, whom God has bestowed on those who obey Him.

221 – Exhorted to Live in His Presence

221 – Exhorted to Live in His Presence

October 15, 1986

I see that the only way we can be gracious and go with the flow is to have come through our  experiences and stressful times being in continual companionship with Jesus.

I got to go to early morning chapel on campus yesterday. It was wonderful and God was present and moving.

Brother Edwards spoke of seeing the Lord’s presence manifested and His manifest presence. I forget which is which.

But as I read in Acts 2 this morning:

22 Jesus the Nazarene, a man attested to you by God with miracles and wonders and signs which God performed through Him in your midst.

25 “For David says of Him, ‘I SAW THE LORD ALWAYS IN MY PRESENCE; FOR HE IS AT MY RIGHT HAND, SO THAT I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN.”

26 ‘THEREFORE [being in His Presence] MY HEART WAS GLAD AND MY TONGUE EXULTED; MOREOVER MY FLESH ALSO WILL LIVE IN HOPE;

28 ‘YOU HAVE MADE KNOWN TO ME THE WAYS OF LIFE; YOU WILL MAKE ME FULL OF GLADNESS WITH YOUR PRESENCE.’

O Lord, My God. In your presence I will not be shaken. In Your presence my heart is glad and I have hope. In Your presence we fellowship and I am full of gladness. I love gladness!

218 – Putting My Faith in Christ

218 Putting My Faith in Christ

October 12, 1986

Meeting my fears and anxieties and inadequacies through the Word of God….

Which – I told Julie yesterday—I base my life on.

It is no longer I who live now, but Christ who lives in me. Galatians 2:20

Faithful is he who calls you who also will do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Ye are dead and your life is hidden in Christ with God. Colossians 3:3

A dead man is free of worry and introspection!

I put my faith in Christ in me.

Christ in you the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27

I turn from ME to YOU, Jesus. You live in me and I believe right now that You will live out this day through me. I will keep praising YOU, I will keep believing in Your faithfulness. I believe Your power will empower me to be kind and gracious. Thank You!!

217 – Through the Holy Spirit, Like Jesus

217 – Through the Holy Spirit, Like Jesus

October 8, 1986

Thinking of my heaviness, harshness, at times.

Praying, pleading, for positive attitude.

Having just finished Isaiah and begun Jeremiah last night, reflecting on the fact that God so often seems negative, terrible, full of laws and penalties, unyielding, even mean—we’re a lot like that, aren’t we, Father?

But then came Jesus and the New Testament—the new covenant.

THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO LIVE.

How can I? I ask myself – and I hear:

by the power of the Holy Spirit like Jesus did!!

Then Jesus, being filled with the Holy Spirit… Luke 4:1

How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him. Acts 10:38

I choose Your abundant life, Jesus Christ. You are my Lord, Jesus. Let me serve You today. Let me serve my children with kindness in the fullness of Your Spirit.

202 ~ I Threw Myself On the Lord

202 – I Threw Myself On the Lord

July 18, 1986

During my early morning walk I prayed to be able to have discernment about the enemy’s tactics and have victory over my flesh when I find myself rising up and taking the enemy’s bait! And did I ever need that prayer….

The boys were across the street hanging out with their friends. Dan and I went to Beulah’s to pick up the kids so we could take them to the 4-H meeting. The ladies were gossiping, actually slandering someone. Praise God I kept out of it.

Then at the school where the meeting was, I became fearful and angry about something.

Then after we got home, sorrow came upon me because I had no car to use to get Dan a birthday gift.

Then disgust because the flour canister had a huge ant in it so I could not bake for him.

I THREW MYSELF ON THE LORD, CRYING OUT TO HIM FOR HELP,

Loneliness and lack of control over my life, overwhelmed me.

I almost called Karen for prayer support, because I don’t even have a prayer partner here! –amazingly, restraint came because it would have been a very unwise use of money to make the long-distance call across the country!

BUT GOD SAVED ME! without my calling anyone.

Peace came from God. My problems disappeared. We (the boys and I) would accept what we could not change and make do.

Then my mom called! GLORY! Someone who would understand!

Then my neighbor, Janet, came over and offered me her car!!

So I piled the boys in to the car and we went to the store and bought what we needed.

I had a major personal victory, and God worked mightily on my behalf! BLESS YOU, LORD!

The impact: self pity, a victim spirit, fearfulness, anger, loneliness, overwhelmingness—none of those things interfere with my relationship with the Lord if I just turn to Him and throw myself on His always-available mercy and grace.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16

190 – Getting, Giving, and Forgiving

 190 – Getting, Giving, and Forgiving

May 28, 1986

One more week before we leave for New York.

Dan now has 3 moving crates for our all of our worldly goods, which will be loaded on the high school teacher’s flat bed and transported to Livonia, NY. Dan is pleased with them and with the price. One cost $5 and the other two cost $20 each.

Dan took several of our plants to Hydraulic Depot, our friend Jim’s business. Today when I called, the girl who is always such a crabby person on the phone was friendly! Dan said she was overjoyed when he brought the plants. We learned a lesson in softening people’s hearts—bless them!!

Our house on LaRue was snuggled in between 3 apartment buildings. Many of our neighbors worked at the casinos downtown, a few blocks away, and slept during the day. It was a challenge to get the boys and their friends to play quietly outside as they raced around our house, running or on their big wheels.

I apologized to the man with the orange truck who lives next door to us.  I felt the time was right as I saw him sitting on his front step reading. First I went to Dan and he prayed for me.

“Excuse me, but we’re moving and I want to be sure to apologize before we go, for the episode the other day. I know the kids get noisy and I was defensive because I work so hard at having them be quiet.” He replied,  “Well, kids ARE noisy and Mom’s ought to be defensive toward their kids.”

He was gracious and forgiving and grateful for the apology.

I was repentant and humble and sincere.

And I was relieved that he had not argued with me and sorry we had not made friends sooner.

182- Keep the Spirit in Control

182- Keep the Spirit in Control

April 13, 1986

Revelation: I must be fully in the Spirit in my relationship with my children, my circumstances, my body.

My wisdom teeth pulling experience last week was an outrageously beautiful experience and picture of the Spirit being in control.

My body was being torturously dealt with! I can see the grotesque faces of the nurse and the doctor frantically trying to get those teeth out. My cheek felt like it was tearing at one point and the drilling noises were screeching and high-pitched and deafening.

BUT I HAD ASKED GOD CLEARLY: NO MATTER WHAT MY BODY GOES THROUGH LET MY SPIRIT– MEANING YOUR SPIRIT IN MY SPIRIT– BE IN CONTROL.

I was several times reassuring the doctor and the nurse that I was fine. They were apologetic for putting me through so much but I was able to comfort them!

Now two days later, weakened from not eating because of the discomfort in my mouth, the boys are rowdy, my temper is short, there was an early morning phone call…I was going to have to answer the phone…

….but to the Lord I went as my Refuge. How can I reign in this situation with Christ Jesus? I felt He said, “Take dominion over the boys and don’t let the dirty dishes take dominion over you. You are in control. My Spirit will fill you and lead you. Be confident.”