136- A Humbling Christmastime Revelation, part 2

December 22, 1984–continued

The realization came to me that Jesus is a King who stepped down from glory for a time and then went back to glory. He spent a few short years on earth despised among men because He hung around with the street people and the bag ladies, the lepers and the sick and the maimed. BUT HE STILL WAS A KING. HE STILL OWNED EVERYTHING AND WAS RICH AND POWERFUL. He left robes and crowns and riches. And He went back to them. He likes power too.

And I AM SEATED WITH HIM IN THE HEAVENLIES. He became flesh and dwelt among us so we could go back to be with Him forever.

So can’t I accept His call for me in this life? It’s temporary, my place in heaven is certain. I’m serving a king who wore a disguise so that I, and everyone, could identify with Him. I did identify with Him at salvation and for a few years, but then I wanted my heritage back.

He’s the King of all kings.

He’s Lord of all.

He’s the Prince of Peace.

And He will live in me as much as I will let Him.

My heart has been cleaned up, Lord Jesus. I see You more clearly. I love You. I have been a hypocrite and I am a hypocrite to change camps now because I see Your riches. But that’s okay.

THY WILL BE DONE TODAY AND EVERY DAY IN THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON. My King. Thank You for enlightening me.

Ephesians 1:7-19 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

135- A Humbling Christmastime Revelation

Wrestling with myself when I read this entry, I decided to post it. The thoughts about Jesus were nothing I had ever thought of! I believe it was the devil trying to snare me into despising Him and into becoming anti-Christ. BUT, I went to the Word and I was saved from the world, my flesh, and the devil. I love God’s Word.

December 22, 1984

A most wonderful and humbling revelation has come to me as I have mused on this day and this season.

I have seen that the stubbornness I was holding onto to have MY way this Christmas resulted in an angry, bitter, ugly woman, dissatisfied with everything, and bitter over the lack of money needed to make Christmas be what I felt I deserved (based on the world’s glittering standards and my own family’s traditions). I have been at odds with my children, resentful of my husband (and yet amazed at his humility and servant attitude toward me in my confusion). Before my walk this morning Dan told me to meditate on:

Psalm 127:3 NIV Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him, the fruit of the womb is a reward.

1 Thessalonians 5:24 NIV The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it.

James 1:17 NIV Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

I read the verses, talked to God, and worshiped by my will–despising the hardness of my heart, yet I was set on receiving a blessing from the Lord.

I remembered the Christmas note paper I saw yesterday:

LET EVERY HEART PREPARE HIM ROOM

As I prayed and walked and thought, I realized that materialism was so entrenched in my heart that there was NO room for Jesus. But I heard myself saying: that does not bother me because I never liked that humble man who moved among the sick and poor, in plain and probably dirty clothing, sitting with people I did not admire and who I do not sit among myself! I really didn’t want to let Him in, poor as He was. I want the ‘good life’ with a Chrysler van, an expensive home inside and out, many presents under the tree, a perfect hairdo, well-behaved kids, a successful husband.

But then I thought—the reason I’m thinking like that is because of the world and the flesh. The reason I am blinded by that and cannot see past it—the devil.

Then—if children are God’s heritage, I AM WRONG IN MY THINKING, because God’s Word is right and truth.

So I claimed His Word to be living and active, etc., and for it to work on my hard heart.

134- Back in Step, but Wrestling with Moods

134- Back in Step,

but Wrestling with Moods

December 18, 1984, continued

I was back into my almost-daily time with the Lord, pouring out my heart, talking to Him about everything, and going to the Bible for relevant verses to encourage myself in the truth.

Lord, looking back over the last two weeks:

DISTRESSED: feeling generally nervous and irritable–partly because Mark and the baby had bad colds and that kept us home bound for a solid week (and friends away!); I broke my tooth on a corn nut; I had canker sores plus an added virus on my tongue and in my throat; grieving over an angry outburst; Christmas pressures, including comparing ours with our friends’ plans; back to worrying about birth control.

BLESSED: because I received compassion and prayer from my support group: Jackie, Susie, Jan. And super blessed because Dan has been totally non-condemning, accepting, loving, kind, understanding of my moodiness.

ENCOURAGED: that at the men’s prayer breakfast that Dan goes to at church every Wednesday morning there was a word from the Lord for the married men from the single guy about loving their wives.

Dan and I are becoming more real-life humans. I’ve backed off from complaining about him being gone so much, realizing we need money to live! The job he has at the church as foreman of the building project requires extremely long hours (50-70 hours a week).

REALIZATIONS:

*God will comfort, I need to come to Him.

*Got is cleansing me, refining me.

*There is HOPE in Christ ALWAYS.

*I am really loved– by God, my husband, and my friends.

Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us…

8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of the light…trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.

15 be careful how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,

18 be filled with the Spirit,

19 singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

20 always giving thanks for all things…

22 wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord

Father, I see impurity in me from a greedy, competitive, covetous heart. CLEANSE ME. I accept Christ’s work on the cross. The better alternative is imitating God, being a reflection of Him.

Thank You that I can come to the Word and receive the truth from Your perspective–wiser than the world, full of power and direction.

133- Firmly Established Hope

December 18, 1984

The phone just rang—it was Michele with a compassionate heart. Yesterday when I asked Dan about counseling with someone he suggested Carla, but now I’m thinking Michele.

Received a letter from Bruce, in Florida.

Both Michele and Bruce said the same thing: stand on the Word.

Luke 21:33 Heaven and earth will pass away, but MY WORDS will not pass away.

I can depend on God’s word.

1 Corinthians 1:7 and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings you are also sharers of our comfort.

There is HOPE. It is firmly established hope. We have sufferings as Christians, but we also have much comfort:

1-in Christ – 2 Cor 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed

2-in the Holy Spirit – John 14:16 I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever.

3–in the Father of all mercies, the God of all comfort – 2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.

I still feel my burdens are far beyond my ability to cope right now.

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 For we…were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead.

There is a reason for these sufferings which are putting our own resources to death. It is so we will not trust in ourselves but in God.

2 Corinthians 1:10 who (God) delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, HE ON WHOM WE HAVE SET OUR HOPE. AND HE WILL YET DELIVER US.

I really was in despair. I was clinging to God the best I knew how, but I was very depressed. At some point during these months that we lived at the Grandview place, I loaded the boys into the car and drove up to the church property and told Dan that I felt completely hopeless and could only see blackness. He said, “It’s the devil. Don’t listen to his lies.” He prayed a quick prayer for me and something awful broke off of me. It had been sucking me into darkness and hopelessness. Jesus said: And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32 Praise God, I was free. It was that easy. And that spirit never returned.

132- I’ve Got My Rights, You Know!

132- I’ve Got My Rights,

You Know!

December 17,1984

I just want what You’ve promised me:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house, as a JOYFUL MOTHER OF CHILDREN.

I want JOY!

Ps 116:5-9 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yes, our God is compassionate. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I want You to save me, rescue me, and deal bountifully with me!

My flesh, OLD MAN, is on the throne. I’ve got this ache and this ailment and this Christmas is NOT working out like I think it should.

“I haven’t”

“I can’t”

“I don’t have”

“I’ve got my rights you know”

…so I’ll throw my tantrum by withdrawing. I’ll be angry when people break in on my sacred space. And yet, this demeanor does not allow the entrance of the Holy Spirit with His peace, joy, love, self-control, etc.

Come, Lord Jesus, come to me!

131- Endure it? Or–Face It and Smash It!

131- Endure It?

Or – Face It and Smash It!

December 12, 1984

2 Corinthians 1:8 we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength…

This is how I feel. Barely able to go on. Everything has overwhelmed me. I am confused and of course guilty-feeling that as a ten year old Christian I cannot cope with my daily life. Bought vitamins today—they will take a few days to take effect. Exercise, very good nutrition, and an acceptance of my condition. I need discipline that I do not of myself possess to keep eating right and walking daily. I am putting my trust in You, Jesus.

*Awesome verse from Susie this morning: Nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and He knows those who trust Him.

December 14

1 Peter 4:6-7 Humble yourselves therefore, under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all our anxiety on Him for He cares for you.

December 15

*from a fortune cookie at Pastor’s ministry dinner last night:

Psalm 37:11 The meek shall inherit the earth and shall delight …in the abundance of peace.

*from the calendar for Friday:

Isaiah 29:19 The meek also shall increase their joy in the Lord, and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.

*meek meaning humble

Several days ago I felt drawn to Exodus 34 regarding Moses entreating the Lord on behalf of the children of Israel. I put verses 5-16 up by the sink. As I was reading it, doing the dishes, it occurred to me that the troubles I’ve been having could be in order to drive out the ‘ites’ in me. He says make no covenants. I wonder if saying I have PMS is binding me to it, when I could smash it!

Also, my jaw was aching awfully; sang and prayed the boys’ prayers at bedtime. I was really relieved.

Jenny is troubled very similarly, hormonally. She said it’s spiritual, don’t look for an out. Face God with it. [Although a few months later she went to a PMS clinic in California and received vitamins and hormone therapy.]

130- I Accept Your Mercies

December 11, 1984

2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort-

*the Father of mercies – my Bible says: this is His job and His joy

*the God of all comfort – all means ALL – when I need it, He’s got it for me

v 4 who comforts us in all our affliction

*once again, all means all

*affliction refers to trouble and calamity

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

The Bible is inspired by God for everything I need.

I am God’s born again child.

The Bible is true.

Every word is Spirit-breathed – 2 Timothy 3:16

None of my trouble, then, is out of His interest.

ALL means ALL. I receive Your comfort, Father.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

I receive Your mercy—new every morning

With great gratefulness. Humbly.

Because proudly I cannot receive.

When I am proud I do not see my need.

And if I do…I do not ask.

When my flesh and the devil say God has put up with me all He can and I’m on my own, help me remember this verse, Father.

Self-diagnosis: PMS was the pop ailment of the day, and I had all of the symptoms. Dan said I could get whatever I needed in the way of food and vitamins. This was answered prayer.

Mark, sitting on the back steps of Grandview.

A few days ago I wanted to comfort Mark. He held tightly to his blankie, which he calls his “wankily” and would not accept my love. I saw that You must be so crushed when we turn away from Your offered love.

129- Busy Days and Bleak Moods

August – November, 1984

Every room in the solar house had large windows. It was open and bright and full of light. Even on gray days, we could watch the configurations of the clouds moving across the great expanse of sky.

Standing on the coffee table was allowed in sock feet. Timmy and Steve are watching the snowy weather on a blizzardy afternoon. Mark is absorbed with something else.

In contrast, the Grandview house was not grand at all. It was in a subdivision and had only a few skimpy windows. My friends Jan and Susan volunteered and pitched in to help me clean, but the landlord would not allow us to paint. The house was north facing and the walls were gray and dreary and the natural light was dim. It became a depressing place for me.

My saved calendars showed that we kept up our active life. Three days after we moved, I packed up the boys and drove Tim to a church in Sparks where he enthusiastically went to Vacation Bible School every morning for a week. Then we visited my parents and family in southern California for a week.

We were a few blocks from the city park which hosted the annual hot air balloon races.

We took a 24-hour family vacation at River Rest Resort in ___. PICTURE

Dan worked long hours at the church building project, like 50, and later 60. We went to Sunday morning, Sunday night church, and joined a class and Wed Bible study in friends’ homes.

In October, 1984, Mark was hospitalized for possible thyroid pills overdose. I had gone into the bathroom and found that Dan’s pill bottle was open, the contents spilled (there were no pharmacy child locks then). We could not determine how many had fallen down the heater vent and how many Mark might have ingested. He acted normal. Dan rushed our 2 1/2 year old to the ER and I called the church prayer chain. I wish I could remember the man’s name who prayed with me. He professed with perfect confidence that Jesus is the healer, prayed Bible verses, and affirmed that Mark would suffer no ill effects. He proclaimed that Jesus had intervened and that it would be as if the event had never happened. Mark never exhibited any adverse symptoms and was released after three days. I truly believe the Lord stepped in through the man’s faith-filled dynamic prayers.

Nancy sent perfect little red capes that she had sown for the boys so they could play Superman, and we used them for their Halloween costumes over their long underwear.

We had a harvest party every year at church. This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of our precious boys.

My calendar notes show that we had the family Christmas dinner at our place. That meant eight extra people–and I’m sure that brought a lot of stress!

My journaling appears to have decreased sharply soon after we moved to Grandview. I am missing almost three months of devotional pages. That journal/binder is old and the rings are wobbly and some pages may have fallen out. OR it could be that I was feeling old and tired and wobbly and overwhelmed, and did not pursue the Lord with diligence. When the dated pages resume, they have skimpy notes and there is no record of any interaction with the Lord, just scattered verses and quotes from books. Another notebook has notes from sermons, so I was getting to church. Besides recovering from the great disappointment of not moving into what we felt was the next phase of our calling to Japan, my hormones were probably drastically depleted and going crazy because of six years of pregnancies and nursing babies. I was worn down and my moods were bleak.

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

128- Following God’s Trail – #10

July 1, 1984 – Father, I am having a hard time believing YOU are asking us to stay in Reno. PLEASE SHOW ME.

I am having a hard time trusting You with our finances, and in finding very suitable housing here in Reno, and in finding a kindergarten acceptable for Tim. You promise to gently lead those who are with young. I am letting it all go and believing Your Word.

Here’s the story: Dan had been working for several months with the contractor on the new building for our church. It was full-time work and they worked well together.

In one week, two of the church elders went to Dan independently and both felt strongly from the Lord that the timing of our going off to Bible School was premature. We were dumbfounded.

The pastor offered him the job of foreman, overseeing the building of the church and managing the many volunteers who wanted to help out.

We prayed and fasted seeking the Lord.

We handed over the keys of our solar house to Peter and Marilyn Clarke and instead of driving 3,000 miles east across the country, we drove 5 miles west to a house in a quiet subdivision on Grandview Avenue. The rent was more than we wanted to spend but we were under pressure to find a place quickly. It was within a few miles of the church and in the same area of town we had been living for 2 years.

There was an elementary school across the street which had a very good reputation. I had been prepping Timmy: “Your teacher will love you. You are such a smart and cooperative boy. She will be so happy to have you in her class. Teachers love children who will work with them, obey them, and who want to learn.”

As it happened, they did not have room in the filled-to capacity first grades for my precious first born, and I was actually relieved. I had been reading, School Can Wait, by Raymond and Dorothy Moore.

July 22, 1984—Our 6^th anniversary.

On our 6th anniversary, our sons were 5, 4, 2, and one month old. We had moved 7 times, including living in two foreign countries for short periods. Dan was 36 and I was 39.

We were crushed. All of our plans had been put on hold. We had laid down our vision for Japan and for Bible School, and we were in some subsidiary plan. God knew.

We believed we had been led by God to this point of surrender. We learned later that we were experiencing “the death of a vision.”

I went to google to get an explanation of the death of a vision and found a good one at http://www.thegoodbook.com. Pastor Cecil Thompson writes:

We are all fired up when the vision is fresh and new, but almost without warning things explode. Instead of seeing our vision fulfilled, it is like death has destroyed the vision. “What do we do now?”

Reeling, floundering…what’s going on, God? We were hastily trying to pull ourselves together after the explosion! We knew we had heard from the Lord and had walked with God to this point. All of the other “visions” and “God ideas” had come to pass, so what was this all about?

We believed by faith that God had specific purpose in letting us be deflated. We did not believe God was capricious, impulsive, and unpredictable. We decided to trust Him.

But we also had to regroup quickly!

Spoiler: We DID go to Elim Bible Institute two years later. And we could clearly see the wisdom in the delay.

127- Following God’s Trail – #9

June 12 –My new doctor, I found out, is controversial. Karen’s friend had a bad experience with him. He seemed so nice and cooperative. We made an appointment for Friday induction and delivery, 6:30am.

June 13 –Jackie S offered to take our three boys on Friday!

Finally heard from Life Bible School (missionary organization)—they don’t take a couple that has divorce in their history to Japan. Ps 44:3 is working for us—His FAVOR is moving on our behalf.

For they did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, nor did their own arm save them; but it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, because You favored them.

Heard from another Bible School, but we are already taken!

June 14 –FAITHFUL IS HE WHO CALLS YOU, AND HE ALSO WILL BRING IT TO PASS. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 Need I say more?

During this season I was reading: Andrew Murray, Basilea Schlink, Keith & Melodie Green’s Last Days’ Ministries newsletter, Don Basham (Face Up with a Miracle), Dorrie Aldrich (Musings of a Mother), Alan Redpath (Victorious Christian Living), Oswald Chambers, Bible.

June 15 –At the hospital: Dan and I had the leisure to pray for several hours, as a very kind Christian nurse supervised the induction procedure and increased the pitocin very very slowly. Daniel George [my father is George] was 9 pounds. The idea to deliver early was the right one! And God was gracious to give me ladies to stand with me so that it happened!

Timmy, Stevie, and Mark visited their new brother in the hospital.

Sweet baby Daniel was born with very bowed legs and two hours after he was born his legs were put in casts! [The casts remained on his legs for 6 weeks and his legs turned out perfectly. Praise God for the wonders of medical science and for competent doctors and nurses.]

Peggy took the 3 boys on Monday and brought a roast beef dinner when she brought them home! Karen came every day to do laundry and pick up and wash dishes, to make sure I kept my legs elevated. The doctor was concerned about the veins in my legs and prescribed compression nylons. Gramma and Auntie, who were our next door neighbors, also popped in to help. Susie took the kids on Tues morning, then Lynn came by and took them overnight! Jenny took them on Thursday and Dan was home on Friday. Michelle took the boys two separate days the next week.

We had a strong group of friends and faithful prayer warriors. We knew we were blessed.